


The Fear of being Found

by tintentod



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-05
Updated: 2013-07-01
Packaged: 2017-12-07 14:34:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 35,700
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/749611
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tintentod/pseuds/tintentod
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Derek wakes up next to Spencer, his whole world seems upside down and it takes him a lot to find out what it truly means.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Trigger

**Author's Note:**

> Well, hello there. Something new from me, although this story is anything but new. I started writing it nearly two years ago, but only managed to finish it this year. Criminal Minds is one of my little obsessions although I didn't find the time to catch up with the last season. 
> 
> However, I posted this story already on ff.net, but thought I can share it with you guys as well. I will mention some events of the first five seasons but won't go into detail. The story takes place during the end of season five. Apart from that I took the liberty to come up with a breed for Clooney because it was never really mentioned what kind of dog he is. 
> 
> Also some of the chapters are beta-ed, others are not. I'll have a look at them again before posting them, but please bear with me in case you'll find grammar errors. I'm well aware of the fact that my English is far from perfect, but I'm scared to death to find another beta. Hope you guys like it and any kind of comments are highly appreciated.

As Derek woke up, he expected to be in an unknown apartment in bed with a girl he had picked up just the night before. A normal morning after a normal night out, he thought with a little sneer as he turned around and opened his eyes, surprised to see the walls of his own bedroom surrounding him. Yet there was someone lying next to him, something that was a tiny bit unusual. It was always easier going with the girl and sneak out long before she was even considering getting up. This, however, was certainly not what Derek had expected.

With a little frown, he tried to recall what had happened the night prior; one too many drinks and beer, dancing with Penelope and a joke Emily had made about how he could even teach Reid some tricks. But no matter how hard he tried to come up with a face that could belong to the lithe body next to him, his mind drew a blank. This was quite unusual for him and he started to wonder what else was different.

Propping himself up on an elbow, Derek looked at the figure next to him. Her back was turned to him, sheets covering the lower part of her body and still, Derek was able to notice her long legs. He was a sucker for long legs but it didn't explain him why they were at his place.

Pushing that question back, he put his focus back on her and her pale smooth skin, his eyes wandering over her back up to the mess of unruly brown hair. He couldn't even remember a name and Derek knew there was nothing more embarrassing than not remembering someone with such a body. To avoid any drama that could occur because of his loss of memory, Derek knew there was just one way to make up for it.

Reaching out, Derek laid his fingertips gently on her skin, waiting for any reaction. However, the only thing he noticed was how her body tensed just a tiny bit as if she was waiting for his next step. With a crooked smile, he scooted closer and started drawing patterns on her back. If there was one thing no women could resist it was cuddling and little affectionate gestures, but she seemed to be different. Instead of melting into the touch or trying to get even closer to him, she slipped away and Derek wasn't so sure if that was okay for him. For some unknown reasons, he felt a bit offended. He couldn't have been that bad.

Being the person he was Derek didn't give up. Maybe she wasn't even fully awake by now and needed some time to remember, and he wanted to make sure she did just that. Leaning closer, Derek pressed his lips against her shoulder blade, smiling as he heard her taking a deep breath in. Gotcha, he thought, letting his hand gliding over her spine and down to her hip. She was pretty skinny; something he actually wasn't the biggest fan of but it suited her. Or, well, it suited that bit he could see. Still peppering her skin with little kisses, Derek grew bolder and let his hand slip under the sheet.

As it seemed this wasn't exactly what she expected and what Derek didn't expect was the tight grip on his wrist to stop him from taking it any further. And before he could ask any kind of question, she slipped away from under his touch and reached

for the sheets, covering just the lower part of her body as she stood up.

That was the moment Derek noticed something was off. The way the person in front of him wrapped the fabric only around the hips, the tension in the shoulders and the curve of the neck. There was something about the person that reminded him on someone and yet he couldn't come up with a name. Another second passed by until the person moved, turning around slowly. There was a slight limping in the movement and finally it clicked. Derek's eyes grew wide as he recognized...

"Reid?"

Derek felt as if someone had knocked all air out of his lungs as he stared at his friend, his shoulder length hair obscuring his eyes, head bowed so that Derek wasn't able to look him in the eye. It wasn't necessary to ask any questions; Reid's whole demeanor was yelling everything right into Derek's face without saying a word. However, Derek couldn't believe it. He didn't want to believe it. Maybe he was drunk but surely not that drunk that he slept with one of his closest friends. This had to be some kind of joke.

Still looking at Reid, who hadn't moved or spoke, Derek came to the only reasonable answer. This was a joke. Shaking his head with a smile on his face, Derek sat up and chuckled.

"You nearly got me, kid. Okay, where is everybody else? Living room?" he asked, eyes roaming around in hopes to find any hint that he was right with his assumption, but couldn't find anything. There was no sound coming from the other rooms nor did Reid show any sign that they were pulling a prank on Derek's expense. In fact, Derek thought he saw him wincing as he spoke, wrapping his arms around his upper body as if he wanted to protect himself from his words.

Both stayed silent and Derek was sort of glad that Reid didn't try to explain anything. Right now he'd to think, trying to remember what had happened. Closing his eyes, Derek took a deep breath in and thought back to the night before. Tags of memories were flashing before his eyes, Reid driving the SUV back to his place, Derek leaning against him as they made their way up to the front door of his house, the woof of Clooney as they entered. The next thing Derek remembered was them on the couch, Reid asking him questions and Derek's hands on his button-down. Shocked and confused, Derek pressed the heels of his hands against his closed eyes, drowning the questions out that were running through his mind. He needed answers and yet he was too afraid to ask the questions.

"I-I will make coffee so we can, well, talk. About this, that is," Reid finally spoke, ripping Derek out of his thoughts. For the last couple of seconds Derek had nearly forgotten that he was still with him in the room. Slowly, he lifted his head and looked at him, who still avoided returning the gaze. And before Derek could say anything, Reid turned around and left, giving him time to breath.

It was probably unfair on Reid thinking that, right now, he just wanted to be alone, but he knew that they had to talk, no matter what had happened between them. Finding enough courage and strength, Derek stood up and walked to the drawer on the other side of the bedroom, taking some old sweatpants he put on. There wasn't a lot he could do to prolong his stay in the bedroom and he knew Reid good enough to know that, if Derek would take any longer he would torture himself with thousand of questions.

Heaving a deep sigh, Derek followed Reid to the kitchen, taking one of his zip-up hoodies from his closet. On his way he passed the living-room. A rather disheveled living-room. Magazines, which usually were piled neatly on the coffee table, lay messily on the ground. Some of the cushions were on the floor and he found some of his own clothes discarded carelessly. It wasn't hard to tell what had happened judging from the chaos, and still Derek had a hard time believing it no matter how it looked like.

Reid's cursing coming from the kitchen ripped Derek out of his musing and so he turned around and followed the voice until he found him at the kitchen counter, fighting a battle with the coffee maker.

"I need a new one. I never came around to replace it," Derek said as he stepped closer, feeling his mouth going dry. As it seemed Reid had found at least some of his clothes, one of his mismatched socks on his left foot, corduroys and his sweater vest. The button down was missing, leaving Reid's arms naked. For some unexplainable reasons Derek had a hard time to not stare at his arm and how the muscles relaxed and tensed underneath the pale skin.

"Clooney." Derek's eyes snapped up as Reid mentioned his dog.

"What?"

Instead of an answer Reid nodded towards the direction of the dog basket where the French mastiff was lying, right on top of Reid's shirt, drooling on the fabric while he snored contently.

"Seems like he found a new cuddly blanket." Derek's tone was light, trying to ease the tension around them that made it nearly unbearable to breath. Yet he had no idea if it was okay for Reid. All the time his hair hid a huge part of his face while he fumbled with the coffee maker. Just by the way his hands were shaking Derek knew how nervous he was. He himself didn't feel any better.

Without a second thought, Derek reached out, nudging with his shoulder against Reid's. "Let me try it."

Reid didn't argue. Instead he stepped away, wrapping his arms in the familiar manner around his upper body. This gesture broke Derek's heart every time. It made him look even more fragile and it was probably never truer than in this moment. Derek could feel Reid's eyes on his every movement, but every time he tried to catch his eyes he turned away. And it started to frustrate Derek to an unreasonable point. Reid was insecure. It was a part of him he had teased and knew for years. Right now it was dissatisfying.

After some rattling and shaking the coffee was brewing, leaving nothing left to do for Derek to prolong the talk between him and Reid. With a sigh, he turned around and looked at his friend. His breath caught in his throat as he found him looking him in the eye for the first time this morning and he could see how much it cost him to not avert them again. Derek didn't know if it was because of his job that he could sense his inner turmoil Reid was going through or because he knew Reid so well. For some reasons he liked the latter explanation a lot better.

"So," Derek started, knowing that Reid would never bring the matter up first. And he himself had a hard time coming straight to the point without being too blunt. What if he would ask if they had had sex while there was a really good answer to the question why they were both naked in the morning? As it seemed Reid was already embarrassed enough for some reasons so there was no need to torture him even more. "What had happened?" The question was simple without implying something or jumping at conclusions and still it made Reid wince.

Derek watched him closely as he loosened the grip around his body and tucked some strands of hair behind his ear. Reid was a miracle to him. Socially he seemed inexperienced, shying away from any touch and advances of women and extremely awkward in any sort of conversation that didn't include science or there job. But giving him statistics and an Unsub, he could talk all of them silly. Now was definitely one of the more awkward moments and Derek had to sooth him at least a bit to make him feel less uncomfortable.

"You don't have to go easy on me. I made some stupid stuff while I was drunk; I think this can't be any worse." Derek chuckled, bracing himself on the kitchen counter while he waited for an answer. He had expected Reid to relax, at least a bit. Instead he got even more flustered, his eyes switching around as if he tried to find a way out of the situation, looking like a cornered animal. On any other day Derek would have teased him, making some jokes. Right now it didn't seem the best idea and so he just stayed quiet and waited. And waited.

The seconds turned into minutes and Derek already lost hope that Reid would say anything at all, but then, "I think it's pretty obvious what had happened don't you think?" The slight trembling sound in Reid's voice alarmed Derek more than the worried frown on his face or his labored breathing or the way he crossed his arms over his chest. It told him that this was really no joke. This was reality. This did happen. His grip on the kitchen counter tightened as Reid's words slowly sank in and as if his voice was the key to the night events, Derek slowly started remembering more. Clothes tossed carelessly aside, hands roaming over Reid's naked skin, his long legs wrapped around his hips.

Rustling noises ripped him out of his thoughts and as he looked up he saw Reid fighting a useless battle with Clooney for his shirt. As it seemed Reid realized pretty soon that he couldn't win and gave up, reaching behind the dog and retrieving the missing sock. Still paralyzed Derek continued watching him pulling it on and checking his pockets.

"It would be nice if you could bring the shirt to work tomorrow," Reid finally spoke, eyes cast down.

"Wow, wait. Don't you think we…" But Derek didn't come any further.

"There is not much left to talk about. I shouldn't have brought you home. Or come in with you. It was my fault. I-I took advantage of you and…"

With every word that tumbled out of Reid's mouth Derek's head felt like it would explode. Lifting his hands in surrender, he looked defeated at his friend. "Hey, look. I'm here. I want to talk. I don't know how or why it happened, but I certainly don't want to shrug it off. We have to deal with it." Although it was true, Derek was surprised why he was so calm and didn't go crazy.

As soon as he said the last words, Reid's head snapped up, eyes looking almost hopeful at him. Or at least that was how it seemed to Derek, but he couldn't think about it any further right now. They had to take one step after the other and the first one was to ask Reid what had happened after they had left the bar.

"Come on, kid. Help me out. I'm lost right now and have no clue what is going on. You were taking advantage of me?"

Seemingly Reid realized that Derek wouldn't let him go that easily and Derek was glad that he didn't have to argue about it. Pointing at the chairs, Derek waited for Reid to sit down before he took two cups out of the cabinet and poured them some coffee. He placed both mugs on the table and got the sugar before he sat down himself, waiting for Reid to explain him what had happened.

He watched him as he poured with shaking hands the sugar into the cup, stirring his coffee and taking a sip of it before he finally spoke up.

"You didn't seem that drunk as we left, but not sober enough to drive. You asked me to bring you home and that I did. I walked you to the door and you ask me to come inside. The moment we entered you dropped on the couch and I got you a bottle of water and Advil. You took both and then," Reid trailed off, getting caught in his own memory. But it wasn't really necessary for him to continue.

With a sigh he ran his hands over his shaved head, eyes closed as he tried to calm his racing heart down. It was one thing to have a romp with a girl he probably wouldn't see again in his life. Another one if it was a girl he worked with. But it turned his whole world upside down if it' was one of his closest friends. Actually the only friend he would trust his life with. Literally.

Not only would it make things awkward at work, but it also brought up questions. Questions Derek never wanted to deal with again and had locked away for years.

"I see now that this isn't mutual. It's okay."

Derek's eyes shot open. "Wait a second. Do you want to tell me…?"

The bit color that was left on Reid's pale cheeks vanished and the way he pressed his lips together answered Derek's question without verbalizing it. Completely confused Derek stood up, pacing up and down as his mind was overrun with more questions and more insights.

Reid's voice was soft, excusing as he spoke up again. "Before it gets any more awkward…"

It was hard for Derek to contain the snorting sound by Reid's words, but he regretted it immediately as he spoke up again.

"It's for me just as confusing as it is for you, Morgan. And your reaction is actually the reason why I never said anything. You don't have to worry that I'll tell anybody about it and you can forget that it had happened, okay?" Each word that came from Reid's lips was like a slap in the face, voice hard and the complete opposite to only seconds ago. Derek was aware that his own reaction wasn't appropriated and yet he couldn't hold back his amusement about Reid's choice of word. 'Awkward' was probably the understatement of the history.

Without giving Derek the slightest chance to answer or even make amends, Reid got up and walked with long strides to the front of the house. And before Derek knew what was happening he heard the door slammed shut and the engine of Reid's old car roaring to life as he drove away.

Not even an hour ago Derek wanted nothing more than being alone and thinking about the whole situation all by himself. But now that Reid was gone, he wished he hadn't acted the way he did. Apart from his own inner battle he wanted to make up for what he'd done wrong and it nettled him that he'd to wait until Reid would calm down. Thinking of it, maybe it was better this way. There were a lot of questions that sort of worried Derek. Questions with rather easy answers, but finding the solution to a problem and to accept the outcome were two different pair of shoes.

There was one question, however, that did worry him and he knew the answer wasn't that easy to find. It was the same question he had asked himself for the last couple of years. This time it was already on the tip of his tongue, but he wasn't ready for it. Not yet. He wasn't even sure why not; maybe because it would mean to face old demons or maybe because he was afraid of the answer. Nevertheless Derek knew he had to deal with it first before he could talk with Reid. He could only hope Reid would understand that in order to get things straight between them again he needed time.


	2. The Aftermath

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to the people who left kudos and also to the people who read this chapter. I know I said I've finished this story, but I will only update once a week. However, I'd still love to hear from you, so if you guys have a second to leave some nice words I'd be forever grateful. And now have fun with the second installment.

After Reid was gone, Derek had spend the day at one of the properties he worked at, tearing out the old, rotten hardwood floor in order to clear his mind. There was nothing more satisfying than working with his hands. It didn't allow him any distraction and he had to focus on what he had to do to avoid injuring himself. Unfortunately as soon as he laid his hammer his thoughts returned. Of course he hadn't expected finding a solution for the mess within a couple of hours. However, he did have hoped his thoughts were a bit more sorted instead of the tumbling mess his they were ever since Reid had left. He already had the first step figured out; he had to start by himself. But knowing the first step didn't give him any clue about how to talk to Reid.

Reid was never easy to read, always keeping things for himself in order to not annoy others or protect himself from their sorrowful manner. So Derek couldn't be sure if Reid had talked to anybody about his feelings and therefore had someone to turn to right now. If not – and Derek had the bad feeling that this was the case – it would eat him alive. The natural reaction on his behalf would be to act as nothing had happened, keeping things cool between them. Yet this could leave the impression Derek wouldn't care, which wasn't the case. Going straight to Reid and tell him he needed time to think what this means to him wasn't an option either. No matter how rational his friend was, this would certainly spark a hope inside of him and Derek didn't know if that was wise either. The 'What if'-scenarios were endless and it frustrated him that he was incapable of coming up with an answer.

Seeing that he wasn't able to focus back on his work again, Derek decided to call it a day and made his way back home. There, he was restless, couldn't sit still for more than five minutes and was wandering from room to room. He was even that desperate that he started to clean the cupboards in the kitchen just to have something to do. Sometime around midnight Derek went to bed, tossing and turning until he drifted off into an uneasy sleep.

His night was filled with dreams of Reid, dreams in which they were lying in his bed and made love. For some reasons Derek was sure they were more than just dreams because they fitted perfectly into the blank spaces of his memory. And although he couldn't deny that he wished he could remember everything a bit more clearly, he also wished nothing of it had happened just to prevent the two of them of drifting apart. In the last years Reid had become a constant in his life he didn't want to miss and just the mere thought of what this night could cost him made Derek cringe.

With a sigh and heavy feet Derek got up and walked into the bathroom. A look in the mirror elicited a little groaning sound. At least he looked exactly like he felt. All the while he got ready, Derek pondered about what to do.

For the last two weeks Derek had picked Reid up for work because of track maintenance work that had cost Reid to come too late for three days in a row. Taking his car wasn't an option either. It was already pretty old and Reid hadn't had the time to get it fixed. Derek had once suggested buying a new one which had caused Reid to nearly choke on the coffee he was drinking. He doubted that something had changed over night and so he came to the only reasonable decision. He would pick him up.

On his way to the apartment complex Reid lived, Derek stopped at a coffee shop getting them both some breakfast. He didn't think badly of it seeing he had done just that nearly every day on his way to Reid, yet he found himself thinking if Reid could take it wrong.

"I haven't seen him and I drive myself already batshit crazy," Derek mumbled as he turned into Reid's street, frowning as he saw the familiar tall figure walking down the sidewalk towards the station. Again Derek had to decide quickly what to do. If he wouldn't catch up to him, Reid would think he didn't come to pick him up. On the other hand Reid didn't seem to hot about spending twenty minutes in a car with Derek or otherwise he would have been waiting in front of his house.

Before his mind could come up with a third possibility, Derek stepped on the gas and honked as he passed Reid, pulling over by the next opportunity to wait for his friend. It took only seconds before he saw him at the passenger side, but instead getting in the car Reid looked from the vehicle to the corner of the street and back again. More seconds passed by before he finally moved and opened the car door to get in. Derek took a moment looking at him, the way he clutched his satchel close to his body and stared down at his lap. He didn't have to see his face to know that the dark circles around his eyes would be more prominent and Derek felt even worse.

"Hey, kid. Got you some coffee. You know where the sugar is," Derek broke the silence as he directed his eyes back on the street and pulled the car out on the road. Reid didn't answer. Instead he got the second cup from the middle console and opened the glove compartment where Derek kept him some sugar packs. The only thing Derek heard for the next couple of minutes was the rustling of the packet and Reid taking sips of his coffee.

On any other day this would have been a normal morning. They had gone through different phases while Derek had picked him up. There were mornings where they had listened to music, other days Reid had read a book and on some days Derek had asked him a very specific question just to hear him rambling. Silence was just as common between the two of them. It reminded him on a quote by David Tyson Gentry that said 'True friendship comes when the silence between two people is comfortable'. This silence, however, was an uncomfortable one. It was thick with heavy tension one could cut with a knife and Derek didn't like it one bit.

"Why did you want to take the train?" he asked, trying to sound casually while he changed the lane. It wasn't meant as an accusation but the idea that it could come across like one crossed his mind too late.

"Didn't think you would show up." Reid's voice sounded hoarse and made Derek wince. He sounded so broken it nearly hurt Derek physically.

"Yeah, and Hotch would blame me for you coming late. No way, kid." Again Derek tried to sound light but the sound of the sharp breath Reid took in told him it didn't work. The question what he had done wrong was on the tip of his tongue, but Derek decided to keep it for himself. He didn't want to give Reid more fuel for his anger. Thinking of it, maybe it was probably the best to keep his mouth shut for the rest of the ride. Unfortunately the aforementioned mouth had other ideas.

"I'll bring your shirt to the cleaner's after work. You get it tomorrow." From the corner of his eye Derek could see the daggers Reid was shooting at him. Heat was rising from his chest up his neck and Derek felt himself shrinking under Reid's intense stare. Again, the possibilities why Reid was angry at him were endless. Did he sound too casual? Didn't Reid want to talk about it? Did Reid think he didn't want to talk about it and that was the reason for the chit chat?

"You are angry with me. I'm not sure about the exact reason, but don't you think we should…"

"You really don't have to worry, Morgan. This has nothing to do with work and I'll keep it away from that. I'm just tired and I'm in no mood for forced conversation." This time Derek knew better than saying something in return and he settled for the pregnant silence over an argument with Reid. An argument he probably would lose anyway.

The moment the two entered the office, Reid relaxed visible, greeting his co-workers and went straight to work. Derek envied him for that because it wasn't that easy for him. The greeting part went by smoothly, but focusing on his files seemed an impossible task. Not even an hour had passed and he was still staring down at the same sentence he had read since he opened that file. Derek never liked to have unfinished business and Reid didn't made it easy on him.

After another half hour Derek had had enough. With a groan he got up and walked to the only person he knew that could put a smile on his face. Luckily Garcia wasn't busy as he entered, reading a book and toying with a strand of her red hair before she looked up at him with sparkling eyes.

"What's up, baby girl?" With a charming smile Derek leaned against her desk and watched her putting the book down.

"Nothing, handsome. And I hope it'll stay this way a while longer. I can use some quiet after the whole Alaska thing." Despite mentioning one of the more horrible moments in her life since she worked for the BAU, Penelope had the amazing ability to cheer him up with the simplest things. Just being around her relaxed him for the first time since he realized it was Reid in bed next to him. She was just that amazing.

"And what are you reading?" he wanted to know, trying to get her attention with some casual talk.

"I got it from our boy wonder. It's about the Kinsey scale. Do you know what that is?"

Derek turned his head to get a better look at the book and shook his head no. "Nope. Enlighten me please."

"It's a classification system for gauging the sexual orientation. The range is from zero to six. Zero for exclusively heterosexual and six for homosexual. It depends on the sexual history of the person. Oh and there is also an X for asexuality. It is really interesting. Alfred Kinsey held the opinion that no one is exclusively hetero- or homosexual." While Penelope summed the book up, Derek had a hard time to keep a straight face, because to say Derek was surprised about the reading material Reid had lent her was an understatement. Of course after what had happened between them it was out of the question that there was more behind the shy and introvert young man, yet he felt he was the last one who got that memo.

"How did you hear about this scale?"

"Reid mentioned it as we talked about sexuality." This time the answer was much too short and the way Penelope looked from Derek to one of her screens told him she was hiding something. He didn't need to profile her to know something was kind of off.

"Sounds like a normal conversation one would have at work," he joked, a crooked smile on his lips. "Guess it has nothing to do with Reid being gay?"

This time it was Penelope's turn to be surprised. "He told you?"

Penelope didn't know that she had answered a very important question. Her demeanor, how she verbalized her question told Derek everything he needed to know. Reid had talked with someone about his feelings. There was such an expectant hope radiating from her eyes it nearly knocked Derek of his feet.

"I guessed that much," he simply replied, shrugging as if it was nothing out of the ordinary.

"Then I have to correct you. He's not gay. The correct term is pansexuality."

That was moment Derek lost track of his thoughts. "Excuse me?"

"Pansexuality. I really hope I don't have to explain you that one, hotness," Penelope laughed. "Thinking of it, anything else wouldn't fit boy genius, don't you think?"

Derek wasn't able to answer right away, his mind too busy taking all the information in.

"Morgan? Are you okay? You don't have a problem with it, do you?" Her worries were pouring out of every word she said and he could understand her concern. Morgan was known as ladies man and when one had such a reputation, people liked to talk. Macho was one of the nicer things he had heard about himself. Not that he cared about it. The only thing that annoyed him was that people liked jumping into assumptions about his character and attitude because of it. Ladies man equaled homophobe for many people and it made him sick.

"Of course not, baby girl. He is my friend no matter what." Pushing from the desk, he leaned down and gave her a peck on the crown of her head. "Maybe I should learn more about it and surprise him in case he will ever tell me himself."

"You mean so you can tease him about it," Penelope retorted, rolling her eyes at him as he passed her to leave her lair. "And be nice, Derek. He doesn't have a problem with it, but it doesn't mean he wants to be teased by his best friend."

Derek was already at the door; hand on the knob, as he turned back around to look at her. "I know I step over boundaries from time to time, but I never would do anything to hurt one of you."

"I know. Although sometimes I feel like I have to remind you. Especially when it comes to Reid."

"Yeah. He is something special."

With a final wave he said his goodbye and walked back to his desk. There was a lot he had to digest, but unbeknown to Penelope that little talk had helped him immensely. He had to remember to stop at a bookstore and find something about this scale. For some reason he had the feeling as if it could help him in more than one way.

Despite his rough start Derek worked for the rest of the day busily on his files and as he checked his pile, he noticed relieved he nearly had caught up with his work. A slightly growling sound ripped him from his work and he saw Reid stretching in his chair. It was already past their official office hour and so it didn't surprise Derek as Reid started packing his things up. Without a second thought he closed his file and did the same.

"Should I drop you at your place?" Derek wanted to test the water. As much as he liked Reid he was sure he couldn't take another car ride like the one in the morning without exploding.

"If it doesn't bother you?"

"Of course not." Keeping the conversation curt was probably the best idea for the moment. Nevertheless he missed already hearing all these random facts and statistics Reid could come up with. It was a part of their familiarity that was now missing. It felt strange and wrong and Derek hoped they could get back to this point someday without any grudges.

In silent agreement they made their way down to the car and even as they got inside the silence lasted. It lasted until Derek parked in front of Reid's apartment building, happy that the traffic wasn't too heavy. Throughout the ride he had bit down hard on his tongue to keep himself from saying something stupid.

It surprised him as Reid didn't jump out of the car as soon as it had stopped. For some seconds, Derek had the naïve hope Reid would say something. But he didn't and although the chances were pretty high for Derek to put his foot in his mouth, he knew he would feel awful for parting in complete silence.

"Should I pick you up tomorrow morning or would you prefer to take the train, kid?"

That seemed the wrong question. Reid's eyes were burning as he turned to him. "Could you please stop it?"

Startled wasn't the right word for what Derek felt by these words. "What?"

"The degrading nicknames."

"Degrading? Reid, what… I don't know what you mean." By now Derek had opened his seatbelt and turned to Reid, feeling completely overwhelmed by the simple request.

"You do it all the time. I was used to them as I was in high school, even at college. I never understood the reason why you used them, though." Strands of hair were falling in Reid's face, but he wasn't even bothered to brush them back again as he verbalized his explanation. "I ignored it because I was sure you don't know it any better. Now I think you do it as a part of your self-protection."

Derek felt as if he had missed a very important part of the conversation. "Wait, Reid. Just give me a second. What do you mean exactly?"

"The whole 'kid' thing or 'pretty boy'? We both now I'm not a kid and I'm far from pretty. Do you want to know my theory about these names?" Reid looked at Derek as if he waited for a sign to continue, seemingly completely calm and control. Somehow Derek thought he knew better. "You give me these names to be above me. To show me that I will never be an equal to you, to push me away and keeping your façade up."

Hearing these things coming from Reid's mouth hurt Derek more than he could say. His whole chest clenched together and he felt as if his heart was ripped out. All the years they had worked together, Reid was nothing more than an equal to him. Maybe even more. In fact Derek had found himself looking up at Reid and the way he lived his life. The things he got to know about him, about his mother, what happened between him and his dad, it made him one of the strongest persons Derek had ever met in his life. And now the same person accused him of looking down on him and insulting him by giving him nicknames.

Derek had never thought wrong about it. Kid was something that had come naturally. Even with twenty-four Reid seemed like a lost child that was afraid of the dark and that hadn't changed with nearly thirty. The reason for Derek calling him pretty boy was just as simple. Reid was a pretty young man. In fact he always thought it would push his ego and not pushing him down.

However, Derek kept his mouth shut. Reid didn't strike Derek as someone who was willing listening to any explanation right now. Until then he hadn't even noticed his tight grip around the steering wheel which he loosened as he turned his eyes to look out of the windshield. His palm was hurting from holding fast while he listened to Reid's words and he had to clench and unclench his hand a couple of times before it got better.

After thinking about a good enough reply, Derek settled for an apology even though he wasn't even fully aware for what he apologized. "If I ever offended you, I'm sorry. It was – and I know you won't believe me – never my intention. So I won't give you any nicknames anymore from now on. Promised."

Reid didn't answer. The only thing Derek felt were his eyes on him while, this time, Derek was the one who refused looking back at him. He just couldn't. It was the first time in years that words really hurt Derek and he would be damned if he would show it.

More seconds passed until Reid opened the car door and got out. It was probably for the better that Derek didn't have the time to find his wits to say anything in return. About how unfair he thought Reid treated him in this moment and that he wanted nothing more than that everything would be okay between them again.

Just as Derek was back home he realized there was far more behind Reid's words. It wasn't about nicknames and he felt actually stupid for not realizing it sooner. Reid had talked about a façade and that Derek pushed him away. It was all about this one night. It was Reid's way to analyze Derek's behavior without coming straight to the point. It was Reid's way of telling him they needed to talk. But Derek wasn't ready yet. He still needed time to figure things out before he was able to let anyone look behind the walls he had carefully built up. Not to keep people out but keep certain things inside of him. He could only hope Reid would look past his own inner turmoil and see that he wasn't the only one struggling because of what had happened.


	3. The Other Side

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Actually I wanted to update this story every Friday night. Unfortunately I was a bit busy in the last days and I still have to get used to my new laptop (stupid Windows 8) However, here is the new chapter. Again thanks for the kudos and well...whoever feels like dropping a review, that really would make my weekend you know :P

After Spencer had snapped at Morgan life at the BAU got pretty busy. They were constantly on the go, working over hours on a regular basis and Spencer was happy to sleep in his own bed at least once a week. He hadn't time to think about what had happened although his mind liked to show him bits and pieces while he was drifting of to sleep. Having an eidetic memory was a blessing and a curse. Blessing because Spencer was sure what had happened would never happen again and this way he had the opportunity to go through it over and over again, remembering every touch and feeling of Morgan's body. A curse because it was cruel and useless and distracting on more than one level.

The only positive thing about the huge amount of cases they had to work on was it forced Spencer to talk to Morgan. Of course he was too mature to try ignoring him, but whenever they were alone in the bullpen, for example, Spencer felt himself getting extremely nervous, feeling Morgan's eyes on him. That was the moment he rushed to the archive or Garcia's lair until he thought it was safe going back without having the fear to be confronted by another forced conversation. But the more time passed the more normal they acted around each other, which was a huge relief on Spencer's behalf. People had constantly asked him what had been wrong with Morgan who was unusually quiet. As it seemed Spencer's sermon – a very inappropriate sermon if Spencer was honest with himself – had hit Morgan far more than Spencer had thought. And Spencer had been running out of 'answers' for his co-workers and telling the truth was certainly not an option.

Nearly a month had passed since that fateful night and it was the first day in two weeks Spencer got home while it was still early enough to buy some groceries. He was getting tired about ordering food and he found it extremely relaxing to do some normal things for once. Carrying his bags up to his floor, he tried to get his keys out of his pants pocket, not really paying attention to his surroundings. That was the main reason he didn't see the colorful person that was their Technical Analyst waiting in front of his door until he was standing right in front of her.

"Great. You kept me waiting for the last half hour because you needed to buy food while the Thai Curry I bought got cold."

Spencer nearly dropped the bags by the amused sound of his friend, looking at her with huge brown eyes. "Did I forget you wanted to come over?" he asked, fumbling awkwardly with his groceries while he was still digging for his keys. He froze as he felt a second hand inside his pockets and was even more shocked as he saw the big grin on Penelope's face as she pulled the keys out, dangling them in front of his face. Without answering his question, she opened his apartment door and walked inside, leaving him baffled and unsure behind. It took him some seconds before he recovered and followed her, hearing her rummaging through his cupboards to find plates for the aforementioned Thai Curry. Thereby Spencer took care of his food, packing it away. He still waited for an answer to his question but had already a hunch why she was there.

"I hope you are hungry. I first thought about Chinese, but then I remembered you are not the biggest fan of chopsticks."

Spencer just looked at her from the corner of his eye, continuing his own task. Only when he was finished he turned his whole attention to her. She was smiling, holding both of their plates up and pointed with her chin to his living-room. She had been at his place more times than he could count, that was probably the reason why she ignored all his books that were lying simply everywhere. Not only on his bookshelf but also piled up under his coffee table, next to his TV, even under and next to his couch were books. It wasn't really untidy, each pile had a certain topic and was sorted by year of publication in ascending order, but many people would say his place was jammed with books. One could even find some in his kitchen, bedroom, hallway, even in his bathroom were books. Penelope had once asked him why he didn't get a bigger apartment. Spencer just answered that having them around him like this felt like having a good friend around him all of the time.

In silent agreement they walked into the living-room and sat down on the couch, eating their dinner in content silent. Although Spencer hadn't expected anyone, he was glad she was there.

"So, baby genius, do you wanna talk?"

Penelope had no idea what had happened in that night. Spencer never got the chance talking about it and for a while he was glad; why he wasn't even sure. Now that she came straight to the point it was hard to act as if there was nothing to talk about. However, for a moment Spencer wanted to pretend as everything was normal so he put his best 'no idea what you mean' face on as he turned to her.

"I'm not a profiler and I thank whatever is out there for the job I have, but the way you and Morgan are acting lately make me think something is wrong and I want to know what. I want to know why you two went from being close friends with the most adorable nicknames to two people who just know each other."

For a while Spencer just looked at her, unsure how to start or what to say. Lying seemed useless and he wasn't sure if he should be thankful for her mindfulness, however, before he could say anything, Penelope continued. This time her voice wasn't her empathetic self but sounded regretfully.

"It has nothing to do with the conversation I had with Morgan, right?"

"You have many conversations with Morgan. I don't think I could keep track about the exact number," Spencer replied slightly confused but also worried. He knew Penelope would never tell Morgan anything, but being a profiler Spencer knew how easy it was to read the reaction of the people around them. Just the tiniest movement while saying a certain word could tell a whole story. Morgan was good in his job and he knew Penelope well, so whatever they talked about was important enough for her to be kind of anxious about Spencer's reaction.

"The conversation we had, well, was about you," Penelope admitted meekly, looking extremely guilty.

"When did you talk about me?"

"It's been a while. A month? I'm not sure."

Nodding, Spencer scratched his chin awkwardly, trying to stay as calm as possible. He still doubted that Penelope had spilled his secret, although it didn't matter anymore seeing he had revealed it already anyways. Yet he was curious what they had talked about. So he just sat and waited and it didn't take long before Garcia blurted out, "I thought he knew. I really thought you two had talked about it. He had asked me what I was reading and we talked about the scale and he asked if it had something to do with you being gay and I corrected him and… I'm sorry, Reid, really."

Spencer listened closely, his heart beating fast in his chest. This wasn't really bad. In fact it wasn't bad at all. He never had talked about his sexuality with anybody because it never came up during a conversation with one of his friends. Well, except with Penelope. However, if someone would have asked him he would have told them. The real reason why the adrenalin was rushing through his veins was a completely different one.

"Was that before or after our night out?" No matter when this conversation had took place it was maybe important.

"I'm not sure. No, wait. It was after. Why?" Spencer knew his question didn't make sense but before he would explain her everything, he wanted to ask one more question.

"Did he say something?"

Thoughtfully Penelope looked to the side, a slight frown on her face. "It's been so long ago. I can't even remember what I wore two days ago. I think he said something about getting information about pansexuality. I'm sorry."

"It's okay. He would have figured it out sooner or later," Spencer soothed her, already reaching out in an attempt to pat her back but decided otherwise.

"You're not mad at me?"

"No, not at all. And I can guarantee you that your conversation with him has nothing to do with the current situation." Although Penelope seemed relieved, his replies didn't answer any of the questions that were running through her head right now and Spencer knew it. It was only fair to tell his side of the story.

"Would you say Morgan was very drunk as I took him home?"

It took her some seconds before she could answer, shaking her head slightly. "No. Well, yes. At least drunk enough to not drive anymore."

The answer relieved Spencer. It was the same observation he had made.

"And I already told you before that night that I always thought I got these mixed signals? The solicitude, the nicknames and the way he just talks to me. I also told you that I'm not a person who reads intentions into actions and I always shrugged it off. Maybe I wasn't imagined these signals after all."

Penelope's eyes grew incredible larger behind her glasses as she listened to him. From that moment on, Spencer wasn't able to keep eye contact, turning his gaze down to his knees.

"I know you will ask me to tell you the details, but I hope it's enough when I say I spend the night at Morgan's place." The squeak that was coming from Penelope startled Spencer, making him looking up at her doubtfully. "I'll never understand your fascination with gay men, no matter how many times you will try to explain it to me."

"Oh, sweet cheeks, not all gay men. We are talking about my favorite chocolate thunder and wonder boy. Can it get any cuter?"

"He can't remember. He thought I was a woman," Spencer clarified before Penelope could get too excited about it, burying his face in his hands. The moment he felt her hand on his back he stiffened, but tried to get comfortable under her reassuring touch.

"Did you two talk about it?" Penelope wanted to know. Spencer felt her shifting in her spot to look him in the eye and to make it easier for her he dropped his hands in his lap and leaned back.

"He tried to start a conversation on the next morning but …" Spencer trailed off, thinking back to that day. Retrospectively he acted totally wrong, his nerves brought the worst out of him and ever since Spencer took it out on Derek without thinking about how he felt about all of this. So much for accusing him to put on a façade as self-protection, Spencer thought bitterly.

They sat in silence for a while, Penelope rubbing his back soothingly while Spencer chewed on his thumbnail. Now that he finally had the time to look back on what had happened, he could see that it wasn't Derek who had acted wrong. In fact he was the one who always tried to keep things normal between them. Spencer had snapped at him, pushed him away and hold things against him that were completely unnecessary. Because of that he was now afraid he had pushed him too far away; there were just so many things one could take without snapping back and Derek had took one blow after another without a blink of an eye. It was unusual for him. Derek was an impulsive alpha male, hitting back as soon as he thought someone was treating him unfair. And Spencer did just that.

"What are you thinking about, wonder boy?"

"Morgan acts uncharacteristically and I can't figure out why. On this morning I expected him to be angry, but he wasn't. Every time he tries to talk to me and I blow him off he never gets mad or impatient although in some way I'm the one to blame for what happened and…"

"Don't say you are the one to blame," Garcia interrupted softly, "There is no one to blame. Things happen for a reason. But I do think you have a point. Derek has a temper and what you describe…" This time Penelope didn't finish the sentence, but Spencer felt more at ease knowing he didn't imagine the changes.

"Do you know what the worse is? Being too petrified to confront him out of fear I'll lose him as a friend. I lost too many people. I don't think I can stand losing another one."

It was moments like these, when he was so open, in which Spencer felt small and unprotected. But seeing Penelope's sad eyes looking back at him made it even worse.

"The chance of loosing him without talking is just as high."

Spencer knew Penelope was right; nevertheless it didn't make it any easier. From here on Spencer had to take baby steps. Not only in regards to Derek but he knew if he would rush his actions he could hurt people around him and that was the last thing he wanted to do.

Uncertain and nervous, Spencer looked from Penelope to his phone on the table, reaching out to take the first step. Ever since his inept tantrum in Derek's car Spencer had took the train to work to avoid any more discussions like this. It was exhausting to stand up earlier to get a sooner train after a much too short night; Spencer could still pretend as if this was the only reason why he texted Morgan if he could pick him up on Monday instead of taking the train.

His hands were slightly shaking as he typed the words in his phone, feeling Penelope leaning against him to read what he was writing. He didn't need her approval but it was good to see the optimistic smile on her lips as he looked up from the screen. Not even thirty seconds after the message was send he already got the reply.

No problem. Will bring breakfast. – M.

Although Spencer knew it was impossible and had something to do with perception, time was flying by and before he knew what was happening it was Monday morning. After he got Morgan's answer Penelope had encouraged him and told him that it was a good idea to take the first step. Now, that he was standing in front of his apartment building, he wasn't so sure anymore. For the last five minutes Spencer was trying to figure out how to act as soon as he got into the car. Should he explain why he had snapped at Derek? Should he act as nothing had happened? Nothing seemed really clever and yet there weren't many options left.

His musings were stopped as the black SUV stopped right in front of him. He could see Morgan behind the steering wheel, one hand resting on top if it the other one was bringing up a cup of coffee to his lips. Everything seemed so normal and yet Spencer knew it wasn't. It wasn't the first time that he asked himself why his life couldn't be normal just for once.

Spencer had to force his body to move and for a second he was afraid his legs would give in as he walked towards the car. His knees felt like jellO – which seemed a funny thought – and his heart was beating so frantically, he was afraid he would faint. But somehow he managed to get in the car without any injuries.

"Morning." Morgan was the first who spoke. For a moment Spencer couldn't do anything else than looking at him. There was the slight crooked smile on his lips and stubble on his cheeks, eyes sparkling with prudent relief. The familiar smell of his aftershave mixed with the scent of his leather jacket filled the car and for the first time in the last month Spencer didn't want to runaway from him.

"Good morning," Spencer replied. For a wonderful moment it felt as nothing had happened between them; at least nothing out of the ordinary. He expected Morgan to tease him, asking him about his weekend just to tell about his encounters in reverse. It had hurt listening to every single one of them in the past, but it was something Spencer could take. This, however, was a different story with an unknown outcome, a situation Spencer wasn't used to. Most of the time he could perceive the next step, adjusting himself for whatever was coming. The situation right now called for a different strategy he hadn't figured out yet.

"Tired of taking the train?" Morgan asked, ripping him out of his thoughts. It reminded him of what they had to face sooner or later, but for now Spencer just wanted to enjoy the moment.

"That is one reason." Like promised Morgan had picked up some breakfast for them, Spencer's coffee placed in the middle console. He kept his eyes focused on his hands as he took the cup with the hot liquid and poured some sugar in it. Even though Morgan never turned his head, Spencer could feel his eyes on him every now and then, waiting for him to tell him the other reason. However, seconds passed and it got increasingly harder for Spencer to keep his smile at bay while Morgan's eyes switched from the road to him and back again.

"And the other reason?" Morgan finally wanted to know.

"The company." The answer was short and yet it spoke volumes, both knowing there was no hidden meaning behind it that could make one of them feel awkward. It was another baby step Spencer was kind of proud of.

"Really?" The genuine smile in Morgan's voice made him smile in reverse. It was just the kind of conversation Spencer had grown so fond of in the past and he was glad there were still bits of it left.

"Yeah. And the free coffee."


	4. The Note

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again thanks to the people who read and to the few who left kudos for the story. Hope you enjoy the next one as well

As relieved as Derek was that things seemed back to normal, there were still situations in which he knew he and Reid had to go a long way until then. Since Derek had picked Reid up that morning, nearly two months had passed that there again packed with work. It was too ease to revert back to old ways during the time they spend with each other. Derek had caught himself many times with the familiar nicknames on the tip of his tongue, but remembered just in time to swallow them back down. There was no way he wanted to jeopardize their friendship by saying the wrong thing. Or inappropriate things. Like that morning as Reid came into the conference room, hair cut short and clothes tighter than one was used too. He looked different, more mature and of course everyone noticed. Even Hotch made a little joke, giving Derek the opportunity to smile at Reid without seeming suspicious or sending the wrong signals. Signals he wasn't even sure if they would have been so wrong in the first place.

Unfortunately Reid's make over was the only upside on this day. The following case was one every one of them took personally, pushing all of them to their limits. Derek was glad they could at least save one of the victims, yet he knew it would cost him a lot to not think about it while visiting his family in Chicago. After the jet had touched down in Washington, Derek made his way to the airport, switching one plane for another. It was an exhausting day but he knew it was so worth it. Not only because he had missed his mother and sisters, but also because he wanted to talk with his mom. It wouldn't be an easy talk, but Derek knew there was no other way around in order to come clean with himself.

At the airport Derek spotted his mother right behind the gates, smiling at him as soon as they made eye contact. Fran wasn't surprised as Derek had called her, telling her he would take some days off to come and see her. Derek wasn't sure if she sensed that something was off and in that moment it wasn't even important. Although he was extremely tired, he wrapped his arms around her and squeezed her tightly as soon as he had passed all the controls.

"I could have rent a car."

"As if I would miss any chance to spend with you while you're here," Fran retorted, returning the hug just as tight. "You look tired," she continued as she leaned back and looked her son in the eyes.

"Exhausting day. Just came back from a case. I was glad I got the flight." They had started to walk to the exit while they spoke, Fran linking arms with him. He didn't need to turn his head to know that she was frowning, worried about his job and how emotionally draining it was.

"You could have taken a later flight," she said, giving his arm a light squeeze.

With a smile, Derek answered, "No way. I still wouldn't have had the time to go back home because of the all the paperwork. Reid offered finishing my part and…"

"How is he doing?"

For some reasons his mother was always really fond of Reid, especially after they had met. Probably not under the best circumstances but until then Derek never had thought his mother would meet any of his co-workers. However, as soon as he just mentioned him she drilled him with questions. Maybe it was something about him, his youth that called upon her motherly instincts. For some reasons Derek was sure he would get an answer to that question in the next days.

"He's doing good. I should send you his greetings by the way." Fran didn't ask any more questions, just patted his arm and walked next to him to the car, all the while a smile on her face.

On their way to the Morgan residence Fran told Derek that neither Sarah nor Desiree would have the time to stop by to see him in the next three days. It disappointed Derek, however, maybe it was for the better and as it seemed Fran could read his mind.

"But maybe that's good. It gives us more time to talk about whatever is on your mind."

Derek had given up understanding how she did it; it was probably a mother-thing. "Yes. Maybe. And it's not too long until Thanksgiving. I guess I'll see them then. But how did you…"

"I know you try to come to visit us as often as possible, but I can count the occasions you just came by because you wanted to on two hands." As Derek wanted to defend his actions, she lifted one hand from the steering wheel to stop him. "I don't want you to feel guilty, Der. I know how busy you are. I respect your job and your decisions."

It would be useless to argue with her and Derek knew she was right. There was more than one moment while he was at home thinking he didn't see them enough and yet his schedule made it nearly impossible to change anything about it.

"Do you want to tell me what is it that bothers you?" Fran continued, ripping him out of his thoughts.

For a split second Derek just wanted to tell her everything right away, but he knew a car wasn't the best location for what he had on his mind. "Let us wait until we are home. I need a shower, some food and your couch."

Fran didn't ask any more questions and although there was this expectant tension, the silence that surrounded them wasn't awkward and Derek welcomed it with open arms. It didn't take long until they arrived at their destination, Derek taking his bag and out of the trunk and following Fran inside. Like he had thought she had cooked his favorite meal and while he took a quick shower, his mother got everything ready for a late dinner.

Even though Derek was tired and exhausted, he was determined to talk with his mom that night. Too much time had passed and too many things had happened, it was time for a change. And so, after they had some small talk and finished their meals, they sat down on the couch, both with a huge mug of coffee in their hands. Again they sat in silence for a while, Derek pondering how to start what he wanted to say. He knew it wouldn't be easy, for neither of them and he already felt sorry for doing this to his mom.

"I feel bad that I never talked with you about what happened with me." The words were out of his mouth before he could think about them twice. However, maybe it was good to just jump into the cold water without thinking too much about it. He didn't dare looking at his mother, eyes focused on the mug in his hands. Back then he was arrested because of the death of the boy in his quarter and the truth about Buford came out, Derek had seen his mother at her worse. She had asked him why he hadn't said anything. He wasn't able answering the question in those days. Now, that time had passed and Derek had taken the time to turn the question in his head over and over, analyzing every aspect of the past events, he thought he had found the answer.

"I should have known something was wrong," Fran started, but Derek interrupted her right away.

"Don't do that to yourself. It wasn't your fault." Reaching out to take one of her hand in his own, Derek tried his hardest to take any doubt of her mind. "As everything started, I… I thought I have to be strong. I thought I have to keep it from you because of what you had to go through. We were all still trying to figure out how to deal with dad's death."

Even though her head was bowed down and he wasn't able to look her in the eyes, Derek knew Fran was fighting with her tears. He gave her time to calm down, giving her hand a reassuring squeeze. However, it was one thing tackling an Unsub down but a completely another one having a talk like this with his mom. Derek knew no matter what the outcome was he could still count on her.

"There is something else I never talked with you about," he finally continued, taking a deep breath as Fran looked up with tear-filled eyes. It broke his heart and he only hoped he didn't make it worse. "The years that followed, I noticed my perception on certain things had changed. I noticed that I looked at men just as interested as at women. My initial reaction was to explain it with what had happened and pushed it away of course." Derek chose the most impersonal words that came to his mind to describe his situation. It was a natural reaction he had seen so many times before but it was strange to act the same. "But something had happened and I start to wonder if…"

All the while Fran listened closely, watching him as he told a secret that was buried inside of him for more than twenty years. "You wonder what?"

"I wonder if this is really me or what Carl made out of me. It was never important to me in the last years. For some reasons I was happy with my life and what I made out of it, but now I'm not so sure anymore." Derek knew his mother good enough to know she would give him the time he need to tell her everything, sensing that there was more behind this. "There is someone I like and something had happened between us. And I want to know if I can give him what he deserves or if this is just a test." Sighing, he ran a hand over his shaved head, feeling completely out of his element as he spoke so frankly over his feelings and life.

"Mom, I don't know what to do," he admitted, his voice cracking as he finally said out loud what he couldn't admit to himself in silence.

Fran gave him a gentle smile, wrapping both of her hands around Derek's bigger one. "I wish I had an answer for you, but I haven't. But I know you'll find a way to figure out what this means for you. Maybe this person is your exception or maybe this is really who you really are."

Derek was thankful for her calming words. He didn't even expect getting an answer to his problems; he just wanted to let her be a part of the journey he had to make. "Yes, maybe. I already thought about, well, a therapy or group meeting with other victims. I've read a lot about them because of the job. Back in the days as Gideon was still on the team, he told us about the letters he got and how much these meetings helped the people we could save," Derek explained, thinking about the info-flyers on his nightstand back home.

"He seems really important to you when you are willing to take such a big step." The statement made Derek smile bashfully, rubbing his neck as he averted his eyes. And before he could stop himself, he blurted out, "It's Reid."

"Spencer?" Fran asked, surprising Derek with the slightest tone of enthusiasm in her voice.

"Don't ask me. He is my best friend and, well…"

"Sarah had asked him if he liked you in more than just the friendship kind of way as he was here. I thought he would die of embarrassment," she remembered. "Seems like she wasn't that wrong about him."

Derek couldn't help but laugh as he heard this little anecdote, surprised that Reid hadn't told him about it. On the other hand, in case Sarah had been right back then, which was now nearly five years ago… No. It was impossible that Reid had these feelings for him for that long.

"Did I ever tell you that your father and I were just friends before we started dating?" His mother interrupted his thoughts with a loving smile. Of course Derek had heard the story about his parents in the past, but now, with his current situation, it shone in an altogether different light. So he settled back against the couch cushions and listened to his mother as she walked down memory lane. And despite having still a long way ahead of him, Derek felt as if a huge weight had lifted of his shoulders.

Days after his return to Washington were spent either at work or at home, his laptop in front of him, browsing through the net to get more information about meetings close to where he lived. He still hadn't decided how he wanted to start it. The job gave him the opportunity to visit one of the meetings as a volunteer just to see how everything worked and if he would feel comfortable. Looking for a therapist was another option, yet he wasn't sure if he liked the thought to go through everything, starting by the death of his father. There was no question that in the long run it would be a good idea. Right now, however, he was running out of time.

Things between him and Reid were looking good, as long as they were at work. As soon as they stepped out of the office, they became two strangers and Derek knew it was partly his fault. He still had a hard time figuring out what was save to say without leading him on, therefore silence became an unwelcome guest Derek wanted to get rid off as soon as possible.

Time was not on Derek's side and before he knew it, it was Thanksgiving and nothing had happened. Whenever he gathered enough courage to go to one of the meetings something came in the way and most of the time it was a case. This was his job and he loved it, but he felt Reid drifting away even with the little bit of communication that was left between them. He was tempted to just walk up to him and tell him everything and yet he shied away, afraid it would do the matter more harm than good.

Nevertheless, luck was on his side in one way or the other. This time they had to travel to Maine and even though the case was solved rather quickly, they were trapped at the airport due to the snowstorm. Derek had to call his mother to bring her the news that he wouldn't make it to their Thanksgiving dinner. It saddened him that he couldn't see his sisters, but spending time with the team came pretty close to his actually family.

Rossi had invited them to his room after dinner, where they sat either on the bed or the floor, the only two chairs occupied by Hotch and Rossi. The atmosphere was relaxed, everyone engaged in conversations that for once didn't involve a cases or Unsubs or homicide.

Prentiss and Derek were just talking about another favorite author as JJ spoke up. "Guys? I have an idea. This is Thanksgiving and I think it would do us all some good if we share what we appreciate about each other."

Every pair of eyes in the room was directed on her, who smiled at them brightly as she walked over to the mini-bar, retrieving a couple of plastic cups before she returned to her place and dug in her bag for a marker. Seconds passed in which everyone just watched her until she was done.

"I wrote our names on these cups and now, everyone gets a piece of paper, write something positive about the others and put it in the cup of that person."

"Why?" Reid asked, looking completely startled as he looked from JJ to the cups in her hands to the others.

"Motivation, Reid," Prentiss answered with a smile, already reaching out to take one of the sheets JJ passed out.

"I mean why are we doing it anonym? We all know the handwriting of the others."

"For some people it's easier to write personal things down than saying them out loud, Spence," JJ explained. She made sure everyone had a pen and paper before she returned again to her place.

All the time he had watched Reid and listening to JJ, he knew that this was his chance to make up for the time that had passed without changing a thing. He could only hope Reid would appreciate it.

Everyone was already busy tearing the paper into pieces and writing their messages down. Even Derek. He knew what he valued about Hotch and Rossi and Prentiss and JJ, yet he was again at a loss what he could write Reid. One after another stood up and walked over to the cups, the only one left was Derek.

Taking a deep breath, he decided to throw caution to the wind and scribbled down what he thought was right. His heart was beating frantically as he folded the piece of paper and stood up, knowing there was no turning back now. Derek was surprised to see his hand was shaking as he tucked the slip over paper in the cup and sat down again.

Seeing it was JJ's idea to begin with, she was the one who handed the cups out. For the next minutes the only thing they heard was the rustling of paper and some suppressed laughter. Derek, however, felt nervous, nearly to the point of nausea as he took one piece after another out and read them.

Reid was right, it was easy to say who wrote what and it was even more surprising to see that JJ was right. Derek hadn't expected that Rossi, of all people, thought so highly of him or that Prentiss saw him as a big brother. He didn't know if he had picked the pieces unconsciously in a way so that Reid's was the last one or if it was just a coincident. Either way he was more than just a little nervous as he unfolded the paper and looked down on the scrawly writing.

_"Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born." - Anais Nin_

As Derek looked up he saw Reid staring back at him and like Derek he was holding a piece of paper in his hand. It was only a hunch and yet Derek thought he knew it was his words Reid was holding. It was impossible to read Reid's expression; Derek could only hope it was a good sign and so he just smiled a nervous but calming smile. It took a moment before he could see Reid relaxing, his eyes behind his glasses switching back to the paper before Hotch caught his attention. Derek didn't understand what they were talking about, but he imagined seeing a change in Reid. He seemed lighter and calmer and if it was really because of him and this little game, Derek owed JJ at least one babysitter job.

After another hour of chatting, they called it a night. Their rooms were scattered along the hallway and while Prentiss and JJ had to go left, Reid and Derek walked down the opposite direction. Neither of them said anything although Derek was at the verge of bursting and he had the feeling as if Reid felt the same. And although Derek expected him to stay silent, he surprised him as he suddenly said, "Do you mean it?"

Derek nearly stumbled over his own two feet but caught himself just in time. He wasn't sure if Reid only wanted an answer to that question or an explanation, but knowing that he himself wasn't ready for the latter, he decided for the first one.

"I wouldn't have written it down otherwise."

From the corner of his eye, he saw Reid nodding as he stopped in front of his room looking at him nervously. "I'm patient."

This time it was Derek's turn to nod, shoving his hands in the pockets of his jeans as he looked down on the floor. "I'm demanding."

"As if I didn't know that by now."

The smile that broke out on Derek's face was contagious and he was happy to see it mirrored on Reid's face. "Good night, Spencer."

"Good night, Derek."


	5. The Tormented Mind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again I want to thank the people who took the time and read this story and even left kudos on the last chapter. It meant a lot. However, I want to thank fem for leaving the first comment :) It is much appreciated and I was soo happy to see someone commenting on this story. I know a lot of people won't comment because they know it's finished, but it is still a very nice thing to read the thoughts of other people :) Anyway, here is the next chapter. Have fun and a nice weekend.

Like Spencer had said, he was patient. He was a chess player and therefore had to learn waiting for the next move. His feelings aside this was nothing more than a chess game and every chess player had a different tactic. Normally Derek was straight forward, impulsive and dominant. Keeping this in mind, Spencer didn't know why they there still at the same spot in the game than three months ago. After that Thanksgiving weekend they stagnated in this weird limbo and all the time Spencer hadn't brought the matter up, giving Derek the time he had asked for.

Sitting on a chair in Penelope's lair, Spencer spun around, eyes focused on the tiny laminated piece of paper with Derek's handwriting. Ever since he got it, he had carried it in his pocket. Penelope had caught him once staring at it and seeing the battered condition she laminated it. Spencer felt a bit embarrassed and was more than thankful as she didn't say anything nor ask any question. He had no idea if she had talked with Derek and that was the reason she didn't drill him with questions as soon as they saw each other. At the beginning he was thankful for the quiet; it gave him a safe haven to escape to whenever Derek's presence became too much during work. But now, after Christmas and New Year was over and still no word or attempt of Derek to come talk to him, Spencer lost hope things would ever change. With that fear in mind he had to talk to someone or else his mind would explode.

So, in one way or the other, he was glad as Penelope came back into her office and snatched the little plastic piece out of his hand before she dropped in her own chair.

"How long do you want to stare at it?" she asked teasingly, dangling it in front of his face with a smile. "Is there some kind of spell on it so you have to read it a couple of times a day or…?"

Spencer stopped spinning and turned to her, lips pursed and with a slight frown on his face. His decision was quickly made and so he said, "I don't think anything will ever change between us."

That wiped the smile of her face and Spencer regretted saying something. He loved being around her and seeing her happy, it made him feel better for some reasons. After all she was the good spirit of the team. Following this, he felt immensely guilty for spoiling her good mood.

"Why do you say that?"

"Have you read the note?" Spencer asked in return, pointing with his chin to the plastic in her hands. Seeing she had been the one who had laminated it, it was probably a stupid question so he was beyond surprised as she shook her head no.

"I might be noisy, but this is something Derek wanted to tell you," she explained with a little smile, looking down on her hands. "May I?"

Instead of an answer, Spencer nodded, closing his eyes as he leaned back and stretched his legs out. Even without an eidetic memory he probably had memorized what Derek had written. And so, while Penelope read his words, Spencer recited them in his memory.

"You were nothing but an equal to me in all the past years. And I know that I owe you more than just this simple sentence, but I was never good in finding the right words. So forgive me when I borrow someone else's: ' Follow your heart, but be quiet for a while first. Ask questions, then feel the answer. Learn to trust your heart. – Author Unknown'"

Spencer heard her moving and could feel her eyes on him, imagine what was going on in her head. Of course these words were full of hope for his tormented mind and so he had waited, seeing it as a good sign that Derek had decided to make a move.

"But Reid, this is beautiful." Penelope's voice was filled with sentiment and Spencer understood her just too well. Reading that he was an equal to Derek and that he hadn't forgotten what had happened had lifted his mood. Of course he was too much of a realist to read anything into the quote whatsoever, but one thing was out of the question. Derek had asked him to give him time. And that he did. However, slowly he came to a point where even his patience was running thin.

"This was on Thanksgiving. We have now March. Ever since he gave me this we never talked about anything not work related. Whenever I ask him to go out, he turns me down. Even when I say others will come along. I know you will say he needs more time, but Penelope, I… I don't want to hold on to something that doesn't exist. All I want is our friendship back." Running his hands through his shaggy hair, Spencer sighed, feeling suddenly tired and drained. "I pride myself with being objective. I analyze everything, every aspect of the circumstances before I make a decision. And no matter how many times I turn this in my head – every fact and incident – it leads only to that one point."

Finally, Spencer pushed himself back into a sitting position, locking eyes with Penelope. He already could see the sorrow in her eyes and they both knew what he wanted to say. Yet it didn't make it any easier. Especially not now that he could see that she not only knew where his thoughts lead to, but that she seemed to see it just the same way. Still, she tried to be optimistic.

"And what if you…"

"I would. If he would let me. But I can't force him to sit down and talk to me." Spencer felt beyond frustrated and for some reasons he was angry. Angry at Derek for avoiding him in such a subtle way he couldn't even confront him about it and angry at himself for letting his emotions getting the better of him. "You know I would never ask about any of the conversations you have with Morgan because I know they are private. But I have to know if he ever said anything to you."

His heart was beating in his throat, afraid of the answer. Nevertheless he had to know it to make a decision.

Again the answer was written all over Penelope's face, but he didn't stop her as she spoke up. "We never talked about you. He didn't even tell me that there was something between the two of you."

"I guessed so much," he retorted, forcing himself to smile as he got up to his feet. Although his heart was breaking, which was a weird thought for him and yet the way his chest contradicted and his throat tightened left no doubt that this just happened, he tried his hardest to keep himself together. It was useless to hide his emotions in front of Penelope, but he wanted to keep on a straight face as long as he was in the office.

With one last deep breath, he waved his goodbye and turned around, surprised as he felt her hand in his own, giving it a little squeeze. It was only a small gesture and yet it moved so much in him, he nearly lost it and so he was more than just thankful as he let go without saying a word. He was already at the door as she called him back.

"The note." Looking over his shoulder, he saw her hand holding the note out to him.

"You can throw it away." He didn't give her time to argue and slipped out, his heart nearly stopping dead in his chest as he came face to face with Derek.

"There you are. Prentiss is looking for you." Smiling his trademark smile, Derek stopped in front of him and Spencer had a hard time to focus on something else than his white teeth or his clean shaved face, his scent threw him back in time to that morning as... there he stopped his thoughts, didn't allow himself to go any further.

"Thanks for letting me know." Derek was blocking his way, either didn't realize it or it was his intention, although Spencer doubted the latter. And so they stood awkwardly in front of Penelope's office, the one with a confident smile on his lips the other fighting his flight instinct, shifting his weight from one leg to the other.

Seconds ticked by before Spencer cleared his throat, arms tightly crossed in front of his chest. All the time his eyes were directed on the floor and yet he could feel Derek's dark ones focused on him. "Anything else?"

The words were harsher as he had intended them to be, he could see the confusion clearly on Derek's face as he finally looked up. However, he didn't apologize. Maybe that was exactly what he needed to protect himself from more harm; pushing Derek away to keep his sanity.

"No. Nothing." Derek's answer sounded unsure, more like he was asking him if something was wrong. For some reasons Spencer wanted Derek to ask him just that and not only imply it so he had a reason to tell him what this situation, this vicious circle, did to him. Luckily the more rational part in his brain was still working, ordering him to get the hell out of there.

And that he did. Pushing past Derek, Spencer walked down the corridor towards the bullpen as quickly as possible. If it wouldn't have looked stupid, he probably would have run. But somehow he doubted he could bring enough space between him and Derek to make it any better. The proof followed only seconds later.

Spencer had just arrived at his desk as he heard Derek's footsteps coming closer, stopping right next to his chair he was just sitting in.

"Why did you throw it away?" Derek whispered, tossing the note in front of Spencer who just looked blankly at it. He doubted that Penelope had said anything to Derek, but they were just as close friends as Penelope and Spencer, and for some reasons Spencer thought he knew were Penelope's priorities lay.

Trying to seem as unfazed as possible, Spencer turned in his place and looked up at him, surprised to see the slight hurt expression in his eyes that nearly threw him of guard.

"What? Will you tell me you still keep the once you got?" he asked nonchalantly, knowing how uncharacteristic he sounded but he couldn't care less in that moment. Maybe it was time for this confrontation even though the place could have been a different one. He lost his train of thoughts as he watched Derek pulling out his wallet and opened it, fiddling around before he tossed a better piece of paper next to Derek's note. Spencer hadn't expected Derek to be just as sentimental as he was; maybe keeping it somewhere at home, but definitely not on his body.

"So?"

"You said you're patient," Derek retorted, nearly sounding helpless and for a split second Spencer thought about giving in, forgetting the stupid idea of pushing him away and wait a bit more. His mind, however, had other ideas.

Shoving both notes aside, Spencer directed his focus on the file he had started working on before he left to Penelope's sanctuary. Of course it was impossible to work on it while he felt Derek right behind him, feeling his eyes pleading with him.

It took Spencer a lot to not react as he felt Derek bracing himself on the back of his chair, leaning closer as he whispered "Don't do this, man."

"This is no conversation one should have at work." Spencer didn't even look at Derek as he answered, swallowing hard as he felt Derek's breath hitting his cheek.

Derek's response was interrupted by Hotch, who stopped in front of Spencer's desk on his way to his office. "Everything all right?"

Spencer just nodded just as Derek, who straightened himself and took a step back. Despite the rule of not profiling each other, Spencer could see that Hotch didn't believe them. His dark eyes were switching between them back and forth, and he was sure he would bring that incident up again as soon as they were alone.

They continued this awkward staring contest for some more seconds before Hotch spoke up again. "Good. Conference room in ten."

For a short moment Spencer thought this had saved him from the conversation he just had with Derek. But he could be one stubborn bastard if he wanted to be and most of the times he just had the worse timing.

"Then let us talk about it somewhere else. When? Where?"

He wasn't sure what pushed his button. Maybe it was the slightly impatient tone in Derek's voice or just the whole situation finally coming crashing down on him, but Spencer had enough. Spinning around, he glared at him warningly. "And then what? You telling me you need time to figure everything out? I didn't think it needed rocket science to understand what had happened. But to sum it up for you, it was only an incident due to the lack of self-control and too much alcohol. And because of that and insufficient communication to clarify that none of the people were in anyway emotionally involved, the relationship between two co-workers got to the point of alienation."

Although Spencer's voice was just above a whisper and he spoke so fast, even he had problems following what he was saying, he had the feeling everyone could hear what they were talking about. And yet, for some reasons he couldn't care less. But what he couldn't ignore was the pained expression on Derek's face.

"Co-workers?" The way Derek said it spoke already volumes and made Spencer shrink in his seat, and it only got worse as he continued. "I thought we were at least friends. Actually I considered you as one of my closest friends and I don't have many of them."

"Morgan…"

"Did you ever think about why I needed time? Because I really needed it and I still do. But I ask you, did that magic brain of yours ever put two and two together and found the reason why this isn't so easy for me?"

Suddenly, Spencer felt small and disgusted of himself, the humiliation burning its way up from his chest to his face. He could feel it as he buried his head in his hands. It seemed impossible for him to breath and he had a hard time to understand why he didn't remember it earlier? Why Derek needed to point it out for him?

"Thought so." Spencer didn't dare looking up at Derek as he spoke up again, afraid of what he could see. He expected to hear more, telling him what an idiot he was and that he had expected more of him. And if Spencer was honest to himself, he had no idea when he had lost focus on the important things. Seconds passed by but instead of more words, Spencer only heard Derek's footsteps as he made his way to the conference room leaving him behind. It took him a while until he was able to follow him and the tension between them was palpable to the point even Rossi asked if everything was okay.

Of course Spencer couldn't be sure, but he guessed it was that comment that earned him to stay after the meeting. And although it was a childish thought, it calmed him as he saw Rossi catching up with Derek.

"Do you want to tell me what is going on?" Hotch came straight to the point, arms crossed in front of his chest and with that familiar frown on his face. It didn't intimidate Spencer anymore but he felt a bit uneasy, unsure about how to respond to that question. So he did the only reasonable, even if it was useless.

"What do you mean?"

"You and Morgan are walking around each other on eggshells for the last couple of months. It's pretty obvious something happened, don't you agree?"

For a short moment Spencer considered asking Hotch for advice, but cast the idea away rather quickly. Nevertheless it was useless to lie. "I admit we have certain problems at the moment, but before you ask more questions I want to ask one in return. Did the way we behave towards each other step in the way of our work?"

Pursing his lips, Hotch shook his head no. "No, your work is as good as ever."

"Then this is all you need to know."

As it seemed Hotch accepted this answer as good enough and dismissed him, reminding him that wheels up was in twenty minutes. Spencer spent the time at his desk, trying to sort through his thoughts. The conversation with Derek had left him helpless and made him feel inadequate, asking himself how he could fix the mistake he had made. Thinking of it, it was actually inexcusable. In forgetting Derek's past and what Buford had done to him, Spencer had shown little to no respect to him and that wasn't what he had intended. This situation was completely out of the ordinary for both of them and for some strange reason it didn't occur to him that Derek wasn't that much wiser.

With a sigh he grabbed his go-bag and made his way to the plane, still pondering how he could face Derek. It wasn't done with a simple 'Sorry', although Spencer was sure he would appreciate hearing it.

Boarding the plane, the first thing he noticed was that everyone was already there. Except for Derek. At first Spencer didn't think too much of it, but got worried as the door got closed. Looking up from the file in his lap, his eyes wandered from the door to Hotch and then to Rossi who sat next to him. As it seemed it wasn't necessary for him to voice the question that was running through his head because Rossi answered it right away.

"He took a couple of days off. Personal reasons."

To say Spencer was surprised would have been an understatement, but he managed to stay calm and collected on the outside. Giving a short nod in acknowledgment, he focused back on the case file. The way his eyes were running over the pages giving probably the impression he was reading it again, while all he could think of was how incredible sorry he was.


	6. The Fear

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again fo reading. Hope you can enjoy this one just as much!

It was the second day at home and Derek regretted taking time off. He'd regretted it the moment he had stepped in his house, knowing the jet with his co-workers was already in the air and Spencer probably completely confused. Nothing of what he'd done was fair to him. Not now and not three months ago. He made promises he didn't keep and this wasn't him at all. But let's face it nothing that had happened in the past months was like him at all. The biggest problem, however, wasn't that he had seemed to change into a person he hardly recognized anymore, but what it did to the people around him.

His mother had called him several times, asking him how things were going. It was out of the question what she meant and every time that question came up Derek suddenly had something to do. The last two times she had called, Derek didn't even pick up the phone. He knew the argument that he needed time was slowly getting old and, well, became more of an excuse than anything else. He was tired of running from everything, but he still managed to convince himself that he needed this time for him to figure things out. Yet where to start?

Sitting at the dining table, scratching Clooney's head that was resting on his thigh, Derek stared at the screen of his laptop. By now he had memorized the content of the site he was looking at; the homepage of a support group he had planned to visit for the last weeks. Months, actually, but thinking about it in weeks made him felt less like an asshole.

Normally, he was a man of actions and yet each time he thought he found the courage to do something, be it talking to Spencer or finally finding some help to come clean with himself and his past, he chickened out as soon as the situation arose.

This time, he promised himself, was different. Looking up the contact for the group leader of his area, his phone rang. Of course it was nothing out of the ordinary, but as he saw Garcia's number on the screen he frowned, assuming she didn't know he wasn't with the team.

"Hey, Baby Girl. What's up?"

"Look, I've to keep it short, but if you're not too busy right now could you please come to the BAU now? It's sort of an emergency." Penelope sounded timid, nearly scared asking him, which worried Derek. She never had a problem talking to him before. So without even thinking about it he answered, "Sure. I'll be there as soon as possible."

Her answer was just a short "Thanks" before she hung up, leaving Derek puzzled. If she was acting that strange certainly something had happened and so he got up, deciding to take Clooney with him and made his way to his car, grabbing his jacket and Clooney's leash on his way out. All the way from his house to the office, Derek thought what could have had happened, pushing the thought away that he was thankful for the distraction; it allowed him to forget about his own problems for a bit longer.

People were looking at Derek and his companion with a smile as he entered the building and headed straight to Garcia's lair, entering the office without a knock.

"Ooh, there you are you pretty little hunk," Penelope gushed as she turned around and Derek couldn't help but smile.

"Well, if that isn't a welcome I love to hear and…"

"I was so not talking to you, Derek," she interrupted angrily, opening a drawer and retrieved a treat for Clooney who immediately rushed to her, sitting down and in front of her with his sad, big, brown eyes. Derek, however, was too surprised to say anything in return; startled by the way Penelope was suddenly talking to him.

"Who is my favorite little guy in the world?" Garcia continued her little banter with the dog, holding the treat out which he carefully took and then scratched him behind the ear.

Watching the scene a little bit longer, Derek slowly started to feel uneasy, feeling a storm was coming up at him and he was quite certain that this was a storm he wasn't ready to face.

Shifting his weight from foot to foot, he shoved his hands in the back pockets of his pants and waited for Penelope to finally acknowledge his presence just as well. If he wasn't worried about the weird welcome, he most definitely was by the use of his first name.

Just as he wanted to dare asking her what was going on, her phone rang.

"What can I do for you, Baby Genius?" Garcia asked, making Derek's heart starting beating out of control. It even got worse as he heard Spencer's voice.

"We need a backup check for the following persons," Spencer's voice sounded over the speaker, leaving Derek's mouth dry as he rattled down the names of the suspects.

"Gotcha. Send it to you as soon as I'm done. Garcia out." Typing the necessary things into her computer, Derek waited a bit longer, trying to calm his nerves. Just hearing Spencer's voice send him through the worse guilt trip ever and he had a slight idea that this was mainly the reason why he was here. Penelope had never asked a question, the only time they came close to the matter was the day prior as he had entered her office and she held the note out to him Spencer had left behind, assuming it was him coming back to pick it up. Derek had taken the note and looked at it in shock; shocked about the fact that Spencer had kept it at his body all the time and shocked that he wanted to get rid of it all of the sudden. She hadn't said a word, just looked at him and Derek didn't have to ask what she knew about them.

The noise of Garcia's chair being moved brought him back to the here and now, and as he looked up at her, he realized he never had seen her angry before. Well, at least not angry at him.

"You know, Derek, that I love and respect you dearly. That, after the one time you put me into my place to keep me out of certain aspects of your personal life, I tried my hardest to stick to that rule. But I can't. At least not now," Garcia started, getting up and stepping in front of him. Derek was a tall guy and yet, with her heels, it was easy for Penelope to look him straight in the eye. And despite her colorful dress and bright red hair, he felt a bit intimidated by the way she was looking at him and the way she squeezed the stress ball made him swallow hard. In that moment he would have preferred hunting down an Unsub than having this conversation with Penelope.

"Ever since you came in yesterday and the talk I had before with Reid, I thought about it. A lot. And it breaks my heart, Derek. It breaks my heart to see how Spencer holds onto this, onto you and all you do is sit idly by and watch, making promises…"

"I know that, Garcia," Derek interrupted with the result that her eyes were, by now, shooting daggers at him.

"Let me finish, Derek. Just because you say you know doesn't mean it change anything. You're one of the smartest and most thoughtful persons I know, you would give your last shirt for the people around you without hesitation. You always have everyone's back. Maybe it's time that someone has yours, that you have someone to turn and talk to." Here she stopped, taking a deep breath. "I am, maybe, extremely angry at you and the way you deal with, well, things, but nonetheless I'm your best friend. And I thought you know that. But that is not the thing right now. The thing is what is wrong with you that you can let this happen?"

It didn't take Derek long to come up with an answer, but Garcia didn't let him. "Forgive me to say something before you answer. Keep in mind that I know you, I know your past and I know what you went through. As you already know I'm working as a counselor for relatives of victims, I know what's on your mind right now and I don't doubt that it leaves you in great confusion what had happened between the two of you. That is out of the question and not what I mean. What I mean is why can you do this to Spencer?"

This question left him hanging. Opening his mouth a couple of times in an attempt to find the right words to answer, his mind was blank.

"Come on, let us sit down." As it seemed his discomfort was pretty obvious and Derek was grateful that Garcia took a step back and gave him time to digest what she had thrown at him. Leaning against the desk, Derek took a couple of deep breaths. He could hear Penelope checking the results on her computer and was glad to get a bit more time to gather his thoughts as he heard her calling Spencer back. As they talked, Derek was extremely tempted to speak up and tell him how sorry he was and that they would talk as soon as they were coming back. Yet he knew it was inappropriate; there was still a slight chance Garcia was on speaker and there was no need for the others to know they had some trouble right now.

By the time Garcia was done and had hung up again, Derek felt at least a tiny bit better. At least good enough to try to find an answer to the question that had haunted him, too, although he did a better job to ignore it. It was, however, a different story when someone close threw it right into your face and confronted you without the possibility of an escape.

"Are you okay?" Garcia asked, one hand busy patting Clooney's head the other reaching out to take Derek's larger one in her own.

An hour ago Derek had said 'Yes'. Now he wasn't so sure anymore and that he said. "Dunno, Sweat P."

"I'm sorry if that was a bit much, it's just…"

Crouching down in front of her Derek lifted her head up so she was looking straight at him and smiled at her. "It was, but I think I needed it. Although I don't have an answer to your question, unfortunately. But can I ask you one in return? How much do you know?"

By the way her eyes lit up and the smile that slowly spread out on her face, there was no doubt she knew everything.

"Since when?"

"When did it happen?" Garcia retorted with a smug smile. The answer left Derek kind of speechless, looking at her questioningly. "Well, after I wanted to talk to you about Tamara* and giving you advice how to handle the situation, I thought it'd be better to let you come to me and not push you. I guess that is what you ask yourself? Why I never said anything? But now that I see how much this gets to Reid…"

Of course Derek remembered the conversation between him and Penelope back when Tamara had searched for comfort after the loss of her brother. He had sought for that comfort just as much, thinking he had found it and blew Garcia's words off. It didn't surprise him to hear her explanation why she never mentioned anything about Spencer towards him.

"Do I really make the impression as I just shrugged it off?" he wanted to know, anxious about the answer although he knew it already.

"Six months, Derek. It has been six months by now. What do you think how does it look like?" For some reasons Garcia's words knocked the air out of his lungs. Trying to wrap his mind around it, he sat on the ground and rubbed a hand over his shaved head. He jumped a bit as he felt Clooney's nose nudging him, sniffling at his neck and for a stupid moment Derek wished he could switch his life with Clooney. His life seemed a bit easier.

"I drove an ambulance with a bomb in the back, I hunt down any bastard that comes my way but as soon as feelings are involved I seem like a freaking coward," Derek mused, taking Clooney's head in his hands.

He could hear Garcia taking a breath in to answer but was interrupted by the phone ringing. This time, Derek didn't pay attention who called, yet he was sure it was Rossi.

"They have a trace." Derek looked up, realizing that Penelope was now talking to him. "It's only a matter of time. Rossi thinks they will be back by tomorrow night."

Of course Derek noticed what Garcia wanted to tell him and so he nodded.

"Do you know what you want to do? I don't want to put any pressure on you, but you have to do something. Now."

Clooney was probably in heaven as both of them were focused on patting him, his eyes slowly falling shut although he was still sitting. Derek smiled as his dizzy expression, but got serious again as he turned his focus back on Penelope. "I have no idea, Baby Girl. I wanted to talk to someone about it to get my head straight and figure out what this means to me and…"

"Did you enjoy it?" The question came out of nowhere and it threw Derek, like so many other things in the last time, off guard.

"Excuse me?" He was certain he understood her right, yet he didn't understand why she wanted to know it. Derek felt her eyes on him as if she was gauging his reaction and if she could dare continuing the path she was going.

"Although you didn't say it out loud what holds you back, it's pretty clear to me. You don't have to vocalize it. But for now there is just one question you should think about. Did you enjoy it? Did you enjoy being with Reid? As far as Spencer told me, you didn't freak out, which I would expect someone would do in such a situation. I'm not a profiler, but all I could see in the time after that night was you never made the impression that you felt uncomfortable around Reid. You only are questioning yourself and not your actions."

"Rightful so, Penelope. Ever since what happened with Buford I'm asking myself if I'm this way because of what he did to me. I don't want to give Reid a false hope because right now it feels okay and then realizing somewhere down the road that I'm straight," Derek argued, feeling a huge wave of frustration hitting him.

They fell quiet for a while, both of them thinking about what they had said and heard. Although Derek wasn't ready for this conversation, he was thankful that Penelope made him do this, showing him that he was running out of time.

"Do you want to know what I think?" Penelope asked hesitantly, her eyes still focused on Clooney.

At first Derek wanted to say no. They knew each other extremely good, thinking of it, Derek would consider Penelope as one of the few people that knew him nearly inside out. So hearing her opinion came probably pretty damn close to the truth and he wasn't sure if he was ready for it. Maybe that was the reason why he never had talked with her about him and Reid.

So it took him some seconds before he nodded. "Yes."

"What Buford did to you doesn't define who you are. How many of the people we are looking for were abused in any way possible and decided to do the same to others? You didn't, though. You decided to not be a victim. You decided to be a survivor." Penelope's voice was just above a whisper and yet every word sounded so encouraging to him, he could feel something in his chest swell, as if she was giving him much needed strength. And so he just sat and continued listening. "The same goes with that night. If whatever Buford had done to you would have any effect on your decisions, you would have thrown Reid out the moment he touched you. Or do you really think you've had initiated anything if it had grossed you out on some level?"

Again time passed in which they didn't speak. Derek had to think about Penelope's words and how right she was, still, it didn't explain why it was so hard for him to give in.

As if his question was written all over his face, Garcia spoke up again. "I think you're more afraid of what people could assume of this, in case you would give in and end up together with Reid. I know you, Derek Morgan, and you only do what you want to do. If you wanted Reid in that night, you wanted him because of your feelings and what he means to you and not because of your past."

Without saying a word, Derek leaned forward and hugged Penelope tightly, eliciting a surprised gasp from her lips as he pulled her close to his body. "I love you, woman," he whispered, pressing his lips against her temple. It was scary how true these words felt and it was that moment that realization hit him. He really was scared what people might think of him and his lifestyle, but that didn't give him the right to hurt others. And most definitely not Spencer. Everything seemed so easy now that Penelope had laid it out like this and it was sad it had taken him so long to figure it out.

"My pleasure, love," Garcia replied, giving him one last squeeze before they let go of each other. "And what will you do? I mean now that I saved your gorgeous ass from letting the best thing ever slipping through your fingers."

Derek only shook his head, smiling crookedly at her. Suddenly he felt so relieved; it was hard for him to not smile. "Talking. I guess. And asking for forgiveness. All I can hope for is that Spencer will listen to what I have to say."

His heart fell a bit as he saw the smile on her lips wavering for a second, but decided to not ask her what worried her. She had spent the last hour to help him come clean with himself; Derek doubted she would hide anything from him if it would concern him and Reid.

"Hey, Baby Girl, could you do me a favor and let me know the time they will arrive as soon as you know it?"

Her smile came back full force, saluting as she answered, "Gotcha."

After that, they said their goodbye and Derek decided to get her a little present just because she had to deal with him and his, sometimes, difficult personality.

Derek spent the night mulling over the conversation he had with Penelope. It even haunted him in his dreams and so it was a rather restless night that ended pretty early with a message from Penelope, telling him the jet would arrive in two hours. Although he wasn't even the slightest bit rested or knew what he wanted to say, Derek was already on his way to the bathroom. He wanted to pick Spencer up, trying to talk to him and wing it from there. The last time he had a plan it ended with him wasting precious time and that wasn't something he wanted to happen again.

After taking a short shower and got dressed, Derek let Clooney out in the garden and left the house. He knew the traffic and decided it was the best to be too early rather than missing Spencer because he was stuck. All the way to the airport, he was alarmingly calm. Maybe he wasn't fully awake by now to be nervous. However, the moment he parked the car and got out it hit him full force. His hands were getting sweaty and his heart felt like he just ran a marathon. For a short moment he expected his legs to give in as he took the first step, his knees feeling like jello.

Derek wasn't sure if he was relieved that the timing seemed perfect. He heard the engines of the jet and as he turned around the hangar, he saw the jet getting into parking position. More minutes passed before the door was opened and another before he saw JJ and then Rossi emerging out of the jet. Spencer followed suit with Emily behind him, who saw him and seemed to point his presence out to the others. JJ just waved as did Rossi. He expected Spencer to maybe ignore him but was surprised as he came straight towards him. What did worry him was the serious expression on his face, the slight frown and the tensed way he moved. Spencer looked tired and Derek knew he had a part in it that he felt guilty for.

"Hey," Derek greeted him as soon as he was in earshot, smiling at him reassuringly. He had hoped it would relax Spencer, but if that was the case it didn't show on his face.

"Why are you here? I thought you took a couple of days off due to personal reasons?" Derek winced at the slightly distant tone in Spencer's voice. Deep down he knew he didn't deserve it any better, still it stung.

Taking a deep breath, Derek decided to come straight to the point. "I'm here because I wanted to see you and…"

"Actually you are here because someone told you to be here. Otherwise you would still ignore me," Spencer interrupted, grapping the strap of his bag tightly in his hands. Again Derek didn't argue, knowing his words were partly true.

"Look, can you give me some of your time so we can talk? I know I ask a lot of you right now and I'd understand if you say no, but…" For some reasons Derek knew the moment he started talking nothing good could come out of it, still it hurt as Spencer cut him off again.

"Good, then I don't have to explain why I decline your request." He didn't give Derek the time begging or explaining anything, turning around to walk over to Emily, who was waiting patiently next to her car. All Derek could do was watching him leave, seeing him shaking his head no as Emily spoke to him as they got into the car.

For the moment there was nothing he could do and so he decided to give Spencer some time, hoping beyond hope he would realize that this time he really wanted fixing things between them. He wanted to stop being a coward, but Derek needed a way to proof it to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> * For the people who haven't seen season five or can't remember: Tamara appeared in season 4/05 Hopeless


	7. Being Found

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well, I know I promised to update once a week. Sorry that I forgot about it, and was only reminded by the nice review of fem. Thanks once again for the nice words. Hope you guys like this chapter!

Emily didn't ask once what was going on, only if everything was all right. And since Spencer wasn't the best liar, he just shook his head no. Again Emily just proved what kind of friend she was in saying nothing at all. No remark. No question. Nothing. Maybe it was because of the case. It had been an intense one and during the whole time Spencer had missed Derek so much, it nearly became a physical pain he had never experienced before. Unfortunately this pain was quickly replaced by another one.

For the last weeks, Spencer had to struggle with migraine. He already had made appointments with different doctors in hopes to find a reason for the sudden attacks, but he had to wait and it was nearly eating him alive. His problems and worries became insurmountable and he came slowly to the point where he could feel them eating him from the inside.

Ever since Emily had dropped him off at his place, he tried to find a way to keep his mind busy. He worked for a couple of hours on the paper for his new PhD, read two books and decided to take a break to eat and watch some episodes of Dr. Who. But no matter how much he tried to keep focused on his tasks - his mind either wandered to Derek and the way he had looked at him as he had left him at the airport, or his migraine became that painful that even moving his eyes made him feel as if he had to throw up. The only option left to escape either of them was going to sleep, facing his nightmare he was sure would come.

It was two in the morning as he gave in and wandered over to his bedroom, stripping down to his boxers and socks and just tumbled onto his bed. He didn't feel like putting his pjs on and so he fell asleep, his dreams haunted by all his fears. It was a restless night and his migraine wasn't in the slightest better as he woke up. With closed eyes, Spencer felt around for his sunglasses he kept around since it had started. He found them on his night stand. Slipping them on, he got up and took one of his cardigans as some pj bottoms and got dressed before he walked into the living room. There he shut the curtains, trying to keep the sun out. Spencer knew it was useless, but he didn't want to run around with his sunglasses while he was inside his apartment for the whole day.

It took him a while until he was able to walk to the bathroom and start his morning routine. For the moment he passed on his breakfast and went back to work. He had to finish his report on the last case and send it to Garcia. And that's what he did. Again he thought about the many times he had looked around the room in Astoria, waiting to see Derek standing just on the other end of the room. Spencer wasn't that disillusioned to believe that Derek's presence would have changed the outcome, yet he still wished he would have been there. Maybe that was a part of the reason why he had been so angry at him at the airport. The moment he had stepped out of the jet and Emily had told him that Derek was there, his heart had started beating frantically in his chest and a huge wave of mixed emotions had hit him. Anger. Fear. Hope. Helplessness. Longing. But most of all, relieve. He had been relieved to see him and to know he was there because of him. Garcia had probably told him about what had happened and that he should look for him, but that wasn't what he wanted. And even if Derek had come on his own accord, Spencer had given up on the hope of them being together.

The night prior in the hotel room, he had sat down and decided to think of it rationally, looking at all aspects and facts. For hours he had written down everything that came to his mind with the only result that he demanded the impossible. One night didn't change a man. One night didn't make them more than just friends. One night, however, was enough to crush Spencer to the point he thought about dilaudid for the first time in months. The thought of fleeing into nothingness seemed so incredibly tempting that Spencer knew he had to talk about it with someone.

Heaving a sigh, Spencer pushed the paperwork to the side and got to his feet. He felt dizzy from the pain behind his eyes and his whole face felt as someone had hit him with a truck. Like a mantra he repeated that in only a couple of days he would know more, hoping that one of the appointments could help him.

After replacing his sunglasses with his normal ones, he alternated between working on his paper, working on some files and taking a break to give his head some rest, spending most of the day on his desk. Most of the furniture in his apartment belonged to his mother and it always had set him at peace to have them around him. As he got up, he let his fingertips glide over the surface of the dark wood and walked over to the kitchenette to make some tea. It was already past five in the afternoon and his stomach, despite feeling a bit sick, was grumbling. Seeing his fridge was empty and he didn't feel for grocery shopping, he ordered some Chinese and got back to work.

Knowing that, if the guy said it'd take a half hour for his food to arrive, it'd take forty-five minutes. So he looked up surprised as not even twenty minutes later there was a knock on the door. Without a second thought he got his wallet from the counter and made his way to the front, hesitating as he remembered that he hadn't changed and was still in his pj bottoms and wore a wool cardigan. That plus his glasses made him probably look like a lunatic but he couldn't care less.

Eyes cast down on his wallet he opened the door, already looking for the right amount of money and a tip as he froze in the spot. The scent that filled his nostrils didn't belong to food. It was a clean yet tangy scent, like an autumn morning. He knew just one person who smelled like this and as he was looking up he saw he wasn't mistaken.

"I thought it was finally time to give you your shirt back." Derek leaned against the doorframe nonchalantly, probably thinking if he act normally everything would be normal between them again.

"Yeah, I totally missed it in the last sixth months, two weeks and four days," Spencer retorted dryly, taking the shirt Derek held out to him.

"You really did get some jokes." The smile on Derek's face was genuine, that much Spencer could tell. He could also see that he was standing in front of him because he wanted to. However, it did nothing for his feelings. The last months had been torture for Spencer and never did he say anything and the one time he did try to make the miserable situation between them obvious, it backfired. Derek was dancing around him in circles and kept him on arm length, yet he couldn't understand why. And although his mind and body still wanted him, he grew tired of it.

"Can I come in?"

"No." Spencer didn't have to think about the answer to Derek's question and there was no hesitation in his words. So the meaning behind them was pretty explicit; however, it seemed that Derek didn't understand it. Pushing away from the doorframe, he strode past Spencer into the apartment and walked down the hall to the living-room.

It took Spencer a lot to remain calm. Taking a deep breath in, he counted mentally to ten and then followed him, tossing the shirt over the backrest of the couch. "What exactly didn't you understand? I mean, 'no' is a pretty common word and…"

"How have you been?" Derek interrupted him, looking… nervous. Spencer's eyes switched between Derek and the door back and forth, waiting for someone to come in and tell him this was a big joke because it definitely felt like one.

At first Spencer didn't have an answer, thinking about the possibilities. He could continue acting indifferent and answer cynically, which would only lead to Derek trying even harder. Saying nothing would have the same effect. The only way to react was to play the game Derek had started and hoping it would end quickly. Spencer felt tired and he just wanted to be alone for some days, focusing on the things he could change and cope with.

"It could be better," he answered truthfully, wrapping his arms around his upper body. It was the first time they faced each other without the excuse of having a case or someone else around them. There was just Derek and the memory of what had happened and suddenly Spencer felt embarrassed. Derek knew that he felt more for him than just the platonic affection one should have for a friend. Although it was useless to think along those lines, Spencer wished he'd kept his mouth shut. Still, talking would be a lot easier without that fact standing between them.

"How was the case?" Derek continued his questions, sitting down on the couch and looked up at him, eyes as intense as he remembered them. There was something about Derek's eyes that had left him speechless many times, and just as many times open like a book, and he felt his worries tumbling from his lips before he could reconsider his decision to share them with a co-worker. By now he was so much more and Spencer hoped they could get back to it.

"Horrible. Like every other before." Spencer knew his answer was vague, yet he didn't know if he wanted to talk about it. He hadn't said a word to anyone else but he blamed himself for what had happened and it pulled him down even more. The weight seemed unbearable and before he could think about it twice, he slumped down next to Derek, legs sprawled out and arms still holding himself.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Derek's question wasn't surprising. There was always something about their connection that let the other know there was more behind the simplest words. Sometimes it was a gift; other times it was a curse.

Shaking his head no, Spencer watched Derek from the corner of his eyes. "No, but thanks, though."

"You know, I'm there if you want to." The statement, although heard many times before, made Spencer angry and yet he kept it for himself. He'd expected him to be there in the last months, too, and he hadn't been. So why would it be any different now?

Seconds ticked by and neither said a word. The doorbell rang them both out of their thoughts. Getting up, Spencer walked quickly to the front of the apartment. He paid and returned with his food, which he dropped in the kitchen before he took his seat next to Derek again. It was time they talked since it was why he'd shown up in the first place and he grew even angrier as he realized he had to address the matter. "Since we both know you're not here to ask me about the case, don't you want to say what you have to say?"

As much as Spencer didn't want to look at Derek in that moment, at the same time he couldn't tear his eyes away from him. There was a good chance this would be the last time they spent time together without any kind of work involved and Spencer didn't want the moment to get wasted.

"I talked to my mom about it", Derek started, bracing himself with his arms on his thighs and eyes directed on Spencer's knee. Spencer wasn't sure if it was a good or bad sign that he didn't look him in the eye and so he just waited, because right now his words didn't make any sense to him.

"About you and me, that is." Spencer's eyes were still focused on Derek's face, the sharp jaw line and his features. Just looking at him threw him back to that one night and Spencer regretted that he had kept so many things for himself, that he hadn't touched him in the way he had wanted to. And although it should have been a good sign hearing about Derek's conversation with his mother, it didn't sooth him in the slightest.

"I won't start trying to apologize for the last months, because there are no words to make up for what I've done, but you have to believe me that this does matter to me. There were just so many things in my head I wanted to sort out and thought I had to face before we could talk about what it means for us. And only now do I realize that I figured it out the moment I've talked with my mother." While Derek talked, Spencer just sat patiently next to him. It felt as if his heart was on his tongue and he had to fight the urge to bounce his leg up and down nervously. He just knew the answer to his question was just around the corner and yet his patience was stretched to the breaking point.

"I do like you. I did enjoy that night. I do want to work something out. But I can't promise anything."

Everything had started promising, even the realist in him had turned to a somewhat optimist for a short moment, just to be reminded why he had been a realist ever since. Spencer's mind tried to process what Derek's words meant, how they made sense and yet it didn't fit. With a puzzled frown, Spencer averted his eyes and stared at the floor. "That doesn't make sense."

"I know." Two words and Spencer wanted to punch Derek in the face, despite hearing the exhaustion in his voice. If he knew that there was no sense behind his statement then why did he sit next to him and said something that doesn't mean a thing?

"You can't do this to people, Derek. You simply can't do this. Every one of us has a burden to carry and I know yours, if you want it or not. So if this is so hard for you, then keep it. Please. One of us will get hurt and I already have a hunch as to who that will be. And I just can't take this right now, okay? So please, just let us forget it and pretend that nothing had happened and…"

Spencer couldn't finish his sentence, silenced by Derek's soft lips pressed against his own. His mind couldn't keep up with his actions and so he was just staring at him, frozen in the spot. He neither could push him away, nor could he return the gesture in any way; it took him some seconds until he mustered up enough strength to finally pull away. Glaring at Derek, he got to his feet and paced up and down, hands running through his short, messed up hair.

"This is just what I was talking about. You can't come in here after months in which you gave me the silent treatment, avoiding spending time with me after work and then decide that, yeah, maybe we can work from here and, well, maybe something can come out of it." Spencer's mind was an unusual tumbling mess, words coming out of his mouth he didn't have the time to think about twice. Maybe it was good this way. He had to get rid of the frustration and anger right now or else it'd consume him to the point he wasn't able to function anymore. "I could take it the last months because I thought this is it. I had pushed you away with slipping my confession and it was my own fault. I could have lived with only being friends. But 'maybe' isn't enough."

Spencer came finally to a halt, shifting uncomfortable from one leg to another as he tried to calm down. "I don't know how to fix this, but this isn't the right way." As he looked up eventually, he was caught of guard by the pleading eyes that were directed at him. And before he could say anything else, Derek spoke up again.

"What else can I do? I told my mom that you definitely mean something to me. I'm considering talking to a shrink. I'm here," he listed, pushing himself into a standing position and took a step into Spencer's direction. His initial direction was to take a step back, but he stayed put his place. Derek's presence took over his senses and it was suddenly much harder to keep his intention to not give in that easily.

"After sixth month. Sixth month in which you didn't say a word, except for the note. It always needs someone else to make you act and this can't be it. Without JJ you wouldn't had send me this note and without this note we wouldn't had the conversation in the bullpen. And what made you come to the airport? I guess Penelope? Am I right? That definitely proves how much you want this." Spencer wanted to sound strong as if this was the best for both of them and what he really wanted, but his voice gave him away, cracking and wavering with every word that came over his lips. He was hurting and the weight on his shoulders was pushing him down.

"I'm not perfect, Spencer. I make mistakes. Everyone does. Don't write me off because of this," Derek retorted, sounding just as exhausted as Spencer felt. Instead of an answer, Spencer bolted to the bathroom, slightly tumbling from the pain that was shooting through his head. He just made it in time, kneeling down in front of the toilet and gagged. Spencer knew there was nothing except some tea he could throw up. Of course it didn't take Derek long to follow him, crouching down next to him and put a hand on his back, rubbing it calmingly.

"I'm sorry if I've upset you," he could hear Derek whisper. Right now he was unable to answer to assure him that he wasn't the cause for this. Instead he took his glasses of and handed them Derek so they wouldn't drop into the toilette. For the next minute Spencer kept his position just in case, finding at least some strength in Derek's touch. His knees were hurting and so he shifted slightly, reaching out to flush the toilette. He could hear the faucet and feeling Derek moving, never taking his hand from his back. A second later he felt a cold washcloth in his neck.

"It's not because of you," Spencer finally choked out, bringing his hand to the back of his neck to get a hold on the cloth. A tingling feeling spread from his fingertips through his body as he came in contact with Derek's warm hand, but somehow he managed to do what he wanted to do instead of interlacing their fingers. Moving around, so he could lean against the cold tiles but was able to look Derek in the eyes. He seemed pretty worried about him, eyes wandering over his sick body. "Migraine." For the moment Spencer had to keep his answers short, his head was still aching from the pain. Closing his eyes, he leaned his head against the wall and waited for it to get better.

Actually he had expected Derek to leave him alone or at least move back into the living-room. Instead he heard him getting up and the click of the light switch he had turned on as he had fled into the bathroom. More rustling of clothes and more footsteps as the sound of the door pulled shut told him Derek was still in the room with him and a second later even sitting next to him.

"Did you tell anyone?" Derek asked in a hushed whisper and Spencer had to fight the urge to smile at how caring he was.

"Emily." Although they were sitting in the dark now and he felt the pain subside at least to a certain degree, Spencer didn't dare moving more and kept his answers short.

More minutes passed, this time without saying a word before Spencer heard Derek moving again, flinching as he felt his warm hand partly on his neck. Without explanation, he took the cloth and wetted it again just to put it back again. Spencer had no idea how long they sat in the semi-dark of his bathroom before he finally felt as if he could speak again.

"I haven't written you off," he started, throat dry and raw from throwing up. And as if Derek had read his mind, he, again, got up and disappeared just to return a moment later with a cup which he filled with water. Spencer wasn't sure if Derek could see his thankful smile as he handed him the cup, but he smiled nonetheless. Taking two gulps, he felt good enough to continue. "It's just the current situation, with all factors included that have nothing to do with you and me, 'maybe' isn't something I can work with. I appreciate your trust and your goodwill and I know how much this had cost you to tell me, but this won't work."

"Would you have said the same a month ago? Or two?" Derek asked and Spencer envied him for his calmness; the calmness he had seen so many times on him in the last months and had never seen on him before.

"Is it important?"

"It is for me to understand why you wanted to talk just to tell me that this won't work."

Spencer couldn't deny that Derek had a point and although he didn't want to answer, he did. "I honestly don't know." This was all Spencer could say in that moment and thinking of it, there was nothing left to say. Right now he had too many things that were happening and he had to deal with; getting involved in a relationship with Derek just to be pushed away as soon as he'd realize that a women's body had still more appeal to him than any man could have wasn't something he could take at the moment.

"Will you promise me that you won't totally rule it out for you? That it is an option?" Derek's voice was a low, humming tone; a sound that engulfed Spencer completely and he felt – like he always did when he was around Derek – safe. And yet Spencer stayed quiet, thinking about Derek's request for a while until he finally gave him a short nod. "Promised."


	8. Long Way

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the lack of updates, and I feel really guilty especially because this story is already finished and all I have to do is posting the chapters. However, thanks for the people leaving reviews and kudos, you rock! Hope you guys enjoy the next chapter as well; it is, actually, my favourite chapter. Let me know if you liked it just as much ;)

Derek didn't have the opportunity to ask where Spencer was before the briefing started and he had a hard time to keep his mind focused on the case. After their conversation in Reid's bathroom they had gone back to normal. Or as normal as it could get with such a heavy weight they were carrying. As Derek had left his apartment he'd had a good feeling they had achieved a little goal, but had been proven wrong the next time he arrived at work. The moment Derek had opened his mouth to say something not work related, Spencer had looked for an excuse to leave without seeming suspicious. At first, Derek had thought Spencer had to get used to his confession. Hell, even he was surprised that he wanted to give it a try. But with every passing day it had become more and more apparent that Spencer wanted to avoid him for reasons only he knew. The one time Derek had asked him right away, the one time Spencer had been trapped with him in a car on their way to a case, Spencer had stayed quiet.

He knew he should feel frustrated, but he was already at the point of hopelessness and he knew it was his own fault. So, seeing the empty spot in the bullpen on his way to the conference room and Spencer's vacant chair opposite of him during the briefing, made him feel even more horrible.

Hotch's usual "Wheels up in thirty" ripped him out of his musings, but stayed put in his place. He only realized that he wasn't alone as Emily dropped her folder and the papers were scattered all over the floor. "Wait, let me help."

They were in no real hurry and so Derek thought it was save to ask her if she knew something about Spencer. "Hey, Emily, do you know where Reid is?"

Emily glanced up for a second before she looked back on the floor again. "Well, seeing he isn't here I'd say he took a day off." Her tone was light, trying to sound casual; it was enough to tell Derek she knew more.

"Do you know why?"

Derek bit his tongue as Emily looked up a second time, this time holding his gaze with a raised eyebrow. "You know, you're not the only one who takes time off because of personal reasons."

He knew he was already straining his luck and yet he wanted to make sure it wasn't him that kept Spencer from work. "Has it something to do with his migraine?"

"He told you?" The surprise in her voice hurt Derek and he was sure it was shown in his eyes.

"Why not? I'm his friend," he retorted, handing her the stack of papers he had picked up from the ground. It seemed like this was the right question and the look in her eyes, this slight accusing expression, told Derek that she knew more than he'd thought she did.

"I'm just a bit surprised after, you know…" Emily trailed off as she stood up, looking down on her hands with the file. Derek could tell she felt a bit awkward talking about private things, especially when one of the people involved wasn't present. But that wasn't the only thing Derek noticed. He also was curious as to what she knew.

"No, I don't know actually."

"I mean the way you two are acting lately. It's not hard to guess, Morgan, which you have to admit." Emily watched him compassionately and yet Derek was still not sure how much she knew. If he would talk too much it could bring him and Spencer in a very sensitive position.

So he decided to play it safe, crossing his arms over his chest and waiting for her to continue. "Oh come on, Morgan. You're avoiding each other and Spencer asks me constantly if I've time for something. He never asked me before. Or well, not that often anyway. So something is off."

Derek wasn't sure how he should answer; instead he only nodded, giving her at least a little bit of information with his agreement. "So it is because of migraine or not?"

"Migraine?" Hotch's voice coming from behind Derek startled both and Derek cursed himself for his big mouth. He knew, if there was one person he shouldn't and couldn't lie to, it was Hotch. He would recognize the lie before he had finished the sentence. So Derek did the only reasonable thing and stayed quiet, turning around slowly to look at him.

"You do know that I need to know about any kind of limitation that could affect any of your work." Hotch's piercing eyes switched between Emily and him back and forth, waiting for any reaction. Derek didn't know if it was the second he looked at Spencer's empty chair, although he thought he had covered it in time with hanging is head, or because they both didn't say a word, implying it wasn't anybody of them that suffered from the illness.

Without another word, but with another stern look, Hotch turned around and left them alone. Derek wasn't the only one who breathed a sigh of relief.

"He knows it," Emily spoke first, slapping the file against his chest.

"He can't be for sure and he wouldn't say anything because of a hunch," Derek retorted with a shrug. He knew that wasn't certain either. If Hotch hold the opinion that it was necessary to talk to Spencer, he would do it, no matter if someone had said it out loud or not. "So it has something to do with that?"

As Emily stepped around Derek, he saw her shaking her head. "Ask him. I won't say anything." She stopped at the door and turned around to look straight at him. "And, whatever it is that's hanging between the two of you, fix it."

The words that Derek had tried to fix it, that he would do anything to make things better, were on the tip of his tongue, but he just nodded. There was no need for him to justify himself towards Prentiss and he was certainly not in the condition to discuss anything that had happened between them with her. As much as he respected her, he was simply not ready yet.

Derek had hoped that the case would keep his mind busy long enough to get a clear head, but what started as the abduction of a young girl turned out to be a prank on her parent's behalf. All of them knew things like this could happen and yet it made them wonder who they could have helped if they had picked another case. It was frustrating on so many levels that Derek fled into sleep to not think about it for too long.

The following day started with paper work and ended with work out. Derek had offered to help training the cadets and it was always satisfying and a good way to release some steam. This time it was different. This time Derek couldn't stop thinking about Spencer and how worried he was about him. As they had returned the day prior, Derek had wanted to call him, but hadn't been sure how well he'd take it, and he most definitely hadn't wanted to make things worse between them.

Now he was standing under the shower in the locker room, the water cascading down his aching and tensed body and he caught himself thinking back to the one night that had changed his life in so many ways. Obviously there was no right moment to tell Spencer that he remembered everything by now. It had taken him a while, but he did. And whenever he let his thoughts drift off to that moment, he found himself enjoying the pictures and emotions that were running through him. He had learned to like these feelings and embraced the rush of excitement whenever he thought about it, and the idea of living a life with Spencer by his side became more and more appealing. Somehow it seemed too far away now to become reality and Derek cursed himself, again. It seemed it was the only thing he'd been able to do for the last weeks.

"I can't believe you did this to me."

At first Derek wasn't sure if he had heard correctly over the noise of the shower, but he thought he had heard Spencer. Spencer, in the shower room, right behind him. Looking over his shoulder, squinting through the spray of water, he could see him standing self-consciously in the middle of the floor, eyes directed to the grey tiles. But despite the water that was pouring down his face and obscured his view and Spencer's posture, Derek could tell that he was angry. At him. And he already had a small idea why.

"Why is it that whenever I trust you with something you do everything in your power to proof me that it was a wrong decision to say anything at all? Why, wait. I do have an answer. It's my own fault. I should know it better with what happened in the past and… could you have at least the courtesy to turn around and look at me?" Spencer rattled his sermon down, didn't give Derek the chance to explain anything at all. Thinking of it, he was at a loss to what to say. He hadn't meant to hurt Spencer or bring him in an uncomfortable position. What really caught Derek off guard, however, was everything else Spencer said. About not trusting him and that it was his own fault. It hurt to know that Spencer regretted trusting in him and it made the gap between them even more obvious.

Hanging his head, Derek did what Spencer had asked for, even though he wasn't too sure if that was a good idea in that moment; refusing his request would make it even worse. Turning the water off, Derek stood stark naked in front of Spencer and he wasn't in the slightest surprise as he saw the flush on his cheeks, arms wrapped tightly around his much too thin body.

"Spencer, I…"

"Did I sound finished to you?" Spencer interrupted him right away, but unlike before his voice wavered. It was only for a split second, but both noticed it. On any other day in another life, Derek had said something witty about it, making some joke to lighten the mood. Now he bit down on his tongue to keep from saying anything. Even keeping his face under control was a hard thing to do. The only reason why it was possible was the overall seriousness of the situation. He knew even their friendship was still on the rocks and he didn't want to jeopardize it.

"I just can't believe that you are doing this over and over again. Remember as I trusted you with my nightmares? Or the one time when I was on the edge just from looking on the picture of the victims? It's a sad thing to say, but after a while I just lost track about the times I seemed like a disappointment to you. If this is your way to…"

"Hold on, man!" Every word seemed like a slap in the face and Derek felt thrown back in time as Spencer had told him how degrading the nicknames seemed to him. And again Derek was none the wiser. "Spencer, I know you are angry at me, but this time it was accidently. I swear." Derek had lifted his hands in surrender, hoping Spencer would cool down. Right now, all he did was fidgeting with his arms and his eyes were looking everywhere but him. Seeing he didn't say anything in return, Derek thought it was safe to continue talking; however, he decided that the shower room wasn't the right place for this. Especially not naked. Although…

"Look, let me put some clothes on and then let us talk. There is this new tea house not too far away."

The look Spencer gave him made his chest ache, something between a beaten puppy and a hopeless child, and he had to fight the urge to reach out and hug him. Somehow, he guessed, this wasn't the right moment for such a gesture and so he simply waited for an answer to his suggestion, hoping Spencer would give him enough time to explain to him what had happened. They both knew Derek had picked up on Spencer's new tea addiction and the little twitch in the corner of his mouth was enough answer to breathe a sigh of relief.

Never in his life had he dressed quicker and was even more at ease when Spencer sat next to him in his car. They didn't speak, but at least the tension was a lot more bearable as not even thirty minutes ago. At the tea house they sat down at a table close to the window and checked the different varieties. It took only another minute until a young girl stepped to their table to take their orders. Derek settled for green tea while Spencer picked jasmine and solely a look in his face was enough to let Derek know that another little ramble wasn't too far behind. And just as he finished his thought, Spencer started.

"Actually it doesn't surprise me you drink green tea. Drinking it on a regularly basis may have a lower risk of developing a heart disease and certain types of cancer. Although green tea does not raise the metabolic rate enough to produce immediate weight loss, a green tea extract containing polyphenols and caffeine has been shown to induce thermogenesis and stimulate fat oxidation, boosting the metabolic rate four percent without increasing the heart rate. With that said, I don't want to imply you need to lose weight. Only that it's really healthy, because according to a survey released by the United States Department of Agriculture in 2007, the mean content of flavonoids in a cup of green tea is higher than that in the same volume of other food and drink items that are traditionally considered of health contributing nature, including fresh fruits, vegetable juices or wine. Flavonoids are a group of phytochemicals in most plant products that are responsible for such health effects as anti-oxidative and anticarcinogenic functions. However, as a tea information site points out, the content varies dramatically amongst different tea products and…"

That was the moment Derek had to chuckle. All the while Spencer was rambling, he couldn't help but admire him for just being him. For the way he spurted out all these random facts with seriousness that always amazed Derek. He would never say it out loud, but Derek loved it. He loved sitting somewhere and hearing all these little details no one else seemed to care for or could remember. The only downside was that Spencer came up with these little monologs at the most unusual times, and sometimes they just didn't have the luxury to listen.

"Sorry," Spencer said, closing his mouth and retreated back in his shell. When he rambled he seemed at ease with himself and his body, gesturing with his hands and sitting straight. But as soon as he finished he seemed to shrink under Derek's eyes, hands tucked under his arms and hunched his shoulders. Just like in this moment.

"No, it's okay. Really. It's just, you're talking so fast and there are so many information that it's hard for me to keep track with everything and I'm still amazed about your eidetic memory." Again, the change in their friendship was apparent. Normally Derek wouldn't have felt the need to explain his behaviour towards Spencer, always assuming that it was obvious he wasn't making fun of him. However, after what have been said, Derek knew better, looking at him with genuine interest. "So what do you know about jasmine tea?"

"Well, there isn't much to tell about. Normally it's based on green or white tea, so you can say it's basically the same effect. It's mostly common in China. The jasmine tea does not have any energizing properties like the green tea, but it has sedative properties and it can regulate blood circulation and arterial tension. There are also a couple of warnings when one shouldn't drink jasmine tea, but we both know that you are not really interested in all this." Spencer watched Derek through narrowed eyes, jaw clenched. It seemed they were finally coming down to why they had decided for this sit together. Somehow, Derek felt nervous thinking about the upcoming conversation, so he was relieved to see the waitress arriving with their teas, giving him some more seconds to calm his tumbling nerves.

They sat in silence for a while, sipping their tea. Derek knew it was up to him to start the conversation. He'd said they should talk and he'd said it didn't happen on purpose, so he could understand why Spencer stayed silent.

"I guess Hotch called you?" he finally said, fingertips gliding over the rim of his tea cup to keep his hand occupied.

"Yes. It was one of the reasons why he wanted to see me." Spencer's answered, turning his head to look out of the window. It did answer Derek's question, but left him with another one. He decided to get back to that one later and focused on telling Spencer why Hotch knew about his migraine.

"I asked Emily about you. I was worried when I didn't see you at the office yesterday. When we were alone, I asked her if it was because of your migraine." While Spencer didn't look at him, Derek, however, couldn't keep his eyes off him, watching how his eyelashes touched his cheek whenever he blinked or how his tongue darted out to moisture his lips right before he propped his knuckles against them. All of this wasn't new to Derek and yet it seemed like he saw Spencer for the first time. It was a weird thought and it took Derek a lot to concentrate on his words again. "Hotch came out of nowhere. I didn't say your name, and neither did Emily. I'm sorry if you are in trouble because of this."

It took Spencer some seconds before he reacted, turning his head slowly toward Derek, his eyes still averted. "It only adds to the trouble I already have."

Another cryptic remark and Derek thought it was time to ask. "Do you want to talk about it?"

He flinched when Spencer eyes shot up, boring into him. It was like he wanted to see deep into him, making sure he could open up again without getting hurt and that Derek wouldn't betray him once more. If Derek was honest with himself, he didn't deserve it any better. Not because of Hotch or anything that had happened in the last few days. Now he understood that Spencer questioned every single interaction between them because of Derek's reaction of his confession and the night they had had sex with each other. It was like a snowball effect that was running out of control, and if Derek wouldn't try to stop it soon it would destroy everything they had built up in the last years.

"The case. The one you weren't there. It was my fault." The words probably made sense to Spencer, but they left Derek puzzled. He knew that what had happened in Astoria belonged to the not happy endings they had to face every so often. It was unavoidable; they were, after all, only humans and sometimes Spencer seemed to forget that. And just when Derek wanted to say exactly that, Spencer interrupted him.

"I know what you want to say. But it was my fault. If I had looked closer… I…" Again Spencer looked out of the window, eyes staring into nothingness. Or at least that's how it seemed. Derek, however, knew it better. He had been there before, walking down memory lane and recollect old cases, thinking about what he could have done better. It was a useless thought, something that pulled one down to the point where you didn't see any sense in this job anymore. Spencer was too good to ever get there.

"Hey, look at me." Slowly, Spencer turned around and looked at Derek, following his request.

"I mean it, Derek. It was my fault. Do you know what happened?"

Derek only shook his head no, waiting for Spencer to tell him what caused him these remorse.

"Three boys were abducted. The only evidence that showed any sign of a crime was a letter to the husband. It was basically a goodbye note to him and that he wouldn't see them again." Derek listened closely, a worried expression on his face as he saw the last bit of energy leave Spencer's body. His tensed shoulders slumped down and he nearly crumpled down in his seat while he talked. "They called us pretty late, we only had ten hours and I did the graphological analysis. Everything leaded to a frustrated male in his mid thirties who probably suffered from some sexual limitations or other physical handicaps that limited him as a man, since he murdered the daughter in the house and only took the boys. They didn't struggle to go with him, we assumed he either knew them or seemed harmless enough for them to follow him. I knew something was off, but I couldn't grasp it."

Here Spencer paused, wrapping his nervous fingers around his tea cup. "It was the mother. She was a transgender. Her parents never allowed her to take hormones or see a doctor to confirm her suspicions. And instead of working out the problem, they avoided it, forcing her to marry and get kids. She killed her daughter because she was afraid she would have to go through the same as her and the boys because, well, envy." Spencer took a sip of his tea before he continued. "Looking back it was the handwriting that confused me. Hotch told me I shouldn't blame myself, but I just didn't include every possibility. Like, a few studies based on small samples suggest that transsexualism might be associated with a difference in the human brain called the bed nucleus of the stria terminalis, BSTc. In one study, the BSTc of male-to-female transsexuals and cisgender women were similar. Those of heterosexual and homosexual men were similar to each other and different from those of women, cis- and transgender. So actually she is a male trapped in a women's body but with certain male characteristics, like vocabulary, wording and handwriting. And the thought that their mother was our Unsub didn't cross my mind once. She was so miserable whenever we talked to her. But it seems like she was so caught up in her own misery, she could fool us."

Derek took his time to digest everything. Of course he could understand Spencer's train of thoughts. He'd been in the same place before and it wasn't the most comfortable place in the world. And the worse was to realize that it wasn't his fault. Now he could understand why he nearly jumped his throat in the shower room; the thing with Hotch only added to his stress right now and that was something he certainly didn't need.

"You probably already know what I want to say, but Spencer, don't do this to you. This wasn't your fault. You did everything in your power to save these children, but sometimes we do fail. Not because we didn't do our best or because we haven't thought about every little possibility, but because our mind is sometimes incapable of keeping up with what others are capable of." By the sad smile on Spencer's face, Derek knew there was nothing he could say to make him feel better. He couldn't be sure if it was because it was coming from him or because he was so deep in his despair that it was impossible to reach him in that moment.

"I wished you were there. Not because of the case, but-" Spencer caught himself just in time, biting down on his lower lip before he could say anything more. Derek wished he wouldn't hold back, telling him why he had wanted him to be there. Sure, he had a small idea, yet it was a difference to hear it or only assuming it. "I'm sorry I got angry at you. Hotch wanted to see me because of the case and he asked if I know someone who has migraine and I just exploded."

Understandingly, Derek nodded. "Hey, it's okay. I fucked up a couple of times so it's just naturally for you to be mad at me. Thinking of it, you've all right to be."

The first genuine smile of the day flickered over his face and Derek was glad about it. "Yes, I have." For all that, Derek knew they were far from okay. Spencer was far from okay. And at the moment getting him back on his feet was his man goal. He just wanted to suggest a nights out, Spencer spoke again. "And when did you finally learn the difference between eidetic and photographic memory?"

Shrugging his shoulders and flashing him one of his 1000 kilowatt smiles, he leaned back in his chair. "Sometimes I can remember things, you know?" Far too late he realized how these words could come off, and although he did see the little wavering expression on Spencer's face he didn't elaborate on it, keeping for himself that he could remember everything. And that he liked remembering everything. It was simply not the right time or place. "Anyway, what do you think about a nights out? We could call Rossi and Hotch, too." Derek added the last sentence as an afterthought, guessing Spencer didn't want to be alone with him, and most definitely not in a bar where everything had started.

Thoughtfully, Spencer turned back to the window. At first Derek thought this was the only answer he would get, but was extremely relieved when he saw him nodding. "Yeah, but minus Rossi and Hotch. I don't want to deal with questions or good natured advices."

To say Derek was surprised was an understatement, yet he saw it as a step in the right direction. His smile grew even wider and he felt a bit of the burden he was carrying on his shoulders lift. "What ever you want, Pre…", he caught his words just in time, dropping his gaze embarrassed to the table, expecting to be rebuked for using the nickname.

Instead, Spencer turned back to him, head tilted to the side as he looked at Derek intently. Again he felt as if Spencer tried to read him. Not profiling but reading him, as if he wanted to know what made him tick. As it seemed he came to the wished result judging by his following words. "You know, I think Pretty Boy and Kid are not that much of horrible nicknames. It could be worse."

"Okay. Then, I'll pick you up around eight? Is that cool? And then we will talk about you getting a new car." Derek thought it was wise to not elaborate on the nickname debate and just go with the flow. Tossing some bills on the table to pay for their tea, he slowly got up and looked down on a puzzled and frowning Spencer.

"A new car? So it does bother you to pick me up?"

Shaking his head with a smile, Derek answered, "No, not at all. But I can't effort your coffee-drinking habits."


	9. The Shame

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, one more chapter and it is done :) I will post the last installment on Friday night and then I will focus on a completely new story. Let me know if I should post it here as well or not, that would be lovely. Hopefully you will enjoy the new chapter :D

As Derek had dropped Spencer at his place he told him he would pick him up around nine which left Spencer just too much time to think. Sitting on his couch, trying to distract himself with a couple of episodes of Dr Who he thought back to their conversation in the tea house and the sermon of Hotch, who told him that he needed to learn to trust the team with his problems. It was that sentence that had pushed him to the edge and had caused him to see for Derek. Derek was one of the few people Spencer had learned to trust. Unfortunately Derek gave him sometimes the feeling of misusing it, as if he was careless with the information he got from Spencer and said the wrong things to the wrong people.

Now that Spencer had the time to think about it, really think about it, he realized that Derek never did it on purpose. He never did it to humiliate Spencer or to make him look bad. He did it because he was concerned and he had a very clumsy way to show it. Or maybe Spencer had a very contorted perception. It was a hard concept for him to grasp that someone as Derek was that concerned and worried about someone as Spencer and maybe he had to get used to it.

Checking his watch he had started to wear over the sleeve of his cardigan, he noticed it was five minutes to nine and he guessed it was okay for him to get ready. After he slipped his shoes back on he had put next to the couch, Spencer turned the TV off and checked his pockets for his keys and wallet before he got up and took his pea coat from the hook in the hallway just in that moment someone knocked.

With two long strides he was at the door, opened it and froze.

He and Derek had met after work a couple of times, sometimes with the others, sometimes alone. But Spencer was sure he had never seen him dressed like, well, this. Black tight jeans, black shirt tucked inside the waistband in the front and a silver chain accentuated the low cut v-neck, showing a huge part of Derek's smooth chest. He had, obviously, changed and Spencer could smell the faintest hint of cologne. It was embarrassed that Spencer hadn't thought about it and was still dressed the same as before. Plain black slack pants, white button down, blue cardigan with an emblem on the chest. Just the same outfit he wore to work. Then again the chance that Derek's outfit was because of their night out together was small no matter what Derek had said about his feelings towards Reid not too long ago.

Considering this Spencer had a small idea how this night would end. Derek would dance with some of the girls, picking one of them and going home with her. Only the thought caused his mood to hit rock bottom and yet he tried to not think about it for too long. He would gladly go home alone with the knowledge of Derek having sex with some random girl if they only would get back to their friendship.

"You ready?" Derek asked and all Spencer could do was giving him a nod and stepped out. He gave him a brief smile before he stepped out next to him and locked the door, trying not to pay too much attention to Derek. And the way he smelled. And the way he was leaning against the wall. And the way he was watching Spencer's every move.

Suddenly Spencer's shirt felt too small and he wasn't sure how to deal with the new level of awkwardness that settled around them. So, although he wasn't the biggest fan of being silent, he welcomed it on their way to the bar, only interrupted as Spencer asked Derek if he was okay with him turning the radio on. Somehow, Spencer thought, the whole scenario reminded him on a very awkward first date – not that he had much of them. However, this wasn't a date. He was sure of it. Derek only wanted to keep his mind away from the case.

Absentmindedly he scratched the crook of his arm and although he wasn't thinking of it consciously, the knowledge about how easy he could escape the awkwardness that was his life right now was always were and the itching in his veins always present. Only when Morgan looked at him, he realized what he was doing and stopped. He didn't want to give the impression that the worse case had already happened, but as it seemed Derek didn't wonder about it.

It was probably stupid of Spencer to not ask where they were going seeing the moment Derek parked the car Spencer's stomach dropped as he saw the familiar bar they had been the last time. The time they had ended in Derek's bed. Now it was too late to say anything and he still wanted to seem as if everything was okay. It was. Sort of. He only had to get used to that thought that it had been only a one time thing.

Inside the bar Derek walked straight to a little table for two in the back with indirect lightning. Spencer only followed his lead, not questioning why he chose such an intimate spot while at the bar were plenty of free seats. Derek didn't sit down, looking at Spencer expectantly.

"First round, my treat," he announced and Spencer decided it was the best to go with the flow and told him he wanted a glass of wine. It wasn't anything out of the ordinary. Spencer always preferred wine over beer and so Derek only gave him a short nod and returned back to the bar. And while Spencer tried to ignore the tingling feeling in the tip of his fingers, the need to reach out and touch Derek just one last time, he couldn't stop watching him. How he leaned against the counter and how the shirt stretched over his back. Of course there were moments when Spencer had seen Derek shirtless, but he never had the chance to watch him long enough to really memorize every detail until that one night. Like the two tattoos on his back or the one on his leg. Spencer had found himself completely engrossed in trailing along the ink under the dark skin while Derek was drifting off to sleep, eliciting a low purr from his throat. Only the memory made Spencer's heart sped up and he had a hard time to think about anything else.

"What are you thinking about?" Derek's voice ripped him out of his thoughts as he returned and he could feel his cheeks flushing. Lucky for him the place was only dimly lit and he could be sure Derek didn't notice it.

"Art." It wasn't a real lie so it was easy for Spencer to hold Derek's gaze.

"Art?" There was a bit of a doubt in this simple word that made his skin crawl and yet Spencer managed to keep his cool.

"Yes. Art. There is an exhibition I want to attend next week."

While Spencer rolled the stem of the glass, Derek had placed in front of him, between his fingers he kept his eyes on Derek, watching him lifting the bottle to his lips and taking a sip. There was these mischievously glint in his eyes Spencer had seen far too many times in the past, but it was never directed at him. For a short moment he was tempted to let things happen, to get involved into this playful banter but reminded himself how much it could hurt.

"So, you wanted to talk about my car." It was the first thing that came to Spencer's mind and as it seemed it had the desired effect. Derek looked startled and it took him some seconds before he caught up with what Spencer had said, dropping the whole flirty attitude.

"Well, yes. You said your car is acting odd and you can't find someone to take a look at it?" Derek replied after some more seconds, hands wrapped around his bottle of beer.

"Yes. Or at least someone with a reasonable price. The ones I found wanted a little fortune," Spencer grumbled with a frown which only deepened as he saw the smile on Derek's face.

"You can stop with that long face now. I know someone who knows someone who likes to work on old cars and does it actually just for fun. The only things you need to pay for are the spares, but he said if you look on scrap yards you can have luck and find what you are looking for."

That lightened Spencer's mood indeed, yet he couldn't hold back the little huff as Derek referred to his car as old. "It's not that old."

"Are you saying that a 1965 Volvo Amazon isn't old? Give me a break!" Derek all but laughed.

"That wasn't what I have said. I said it's not that old. You are not that much younger and I wouldn't say you are old." This earned Spencer an indigent look and yet the smile on Derek's full lips let Spencer know that he wasn't offended. From then on it seemed easy for both to talk and joke and laugh. It nearly was like nothing had happened. Only when Spencer let his mind and eyes wander and pictures of their night together came up he was reminded that it wasn't that easy. Maybe he pretended as if this was the case but it was certainly not.

Three glasses of wine and a really long conversation about their favourite books later, Spencer was ready to call it a night. It wasn't so much that he wanted to go back to his empty apartment, but he thought it was a reasonable thing to do. Although Derek hadn't said anything inappropriate Spencer could feel the tension and how Derek flirted with him; it was just the way he looked at him, his demeanour that gave him away. He probably didn't know it himself, but by now Spencer had seen him more than once acting this way.

Spencer was just emptying his glass as Derek spoke up. "Are you feeling a bit better?" Of course Spencer knew right away to what he was referring to. This was actually why they had met in the first place.

"Actually, yes. Thank you for doing this for me," Spencer replied, giving him a tight lipped smile as he cut his eyes down to the empty glass in his hand.

"Reid, you don't have to thank me. Maybe it is a bit awkward right now between the two of us, but I'm still here, men. I will listen to whatever you wanna talk about." Although Spencer didn't look at Derek, he could picture how he was looking at him in return, his intense, dark eyes trying to coax him to open up and speak to him. Spencer felt as if he knew about his thoughts, about giving in to his old addiction. A half year ago Derek would have been the first person he had turned to, now Spencer wasn't sure if he could do it. There was a good chance this confession would send Morgan into a guilt trip and that was the last thing he wanted to do.

Without a real answer Reid got up, feeling his legs being wobbly and he had to brace himself on the table to not sway.

"Hey, kid, don't tell me you can't hold your liquor?" Spencer could hear Derek say, feeling his hand touching the small of his back to support him. He tried to explain the chill that ran up and down his spine by the surprise he felt by the touch and not because he craved it so much. Giving him another smile, he only shrugged, taking his jacket from the backrest of the chair. It didn't surprise him that Derek didn't pull away, keeping his hand on his back as they made their way back to the car.

"Don't dare and throw up during the ride," Derek teased, but Spencer didn't respond to it. He already had a hard time to not lean in and against Derek's body. The temptation was already big enough as it was and the alcohol made it all the worse. Spencer hadn't even realized how tipsy he was and he felt stupid for not being more careful. Like the trip to the bar the way back went by in the same silence and Spencer was glad about it. Only as Derek parked the car and got with Spencer out he opened his mouth again.

"I'll be fine. Honestly. You don't have to…"

"I can't believe you really try to argue with me. Besides, I only come with you so you can give me your car keys and I take care of it." Spencer had leaned against the hood of the car, looking doubtfully at Derek. Somewhere underneath his own cravings and the alcohol was a tiny part of his brain, waving every red flag possible, screaming from the top of it's lungs to warn him that this wasn't a good idea, that this was not the real reason why Derek wanted to come up with him.

With a short nod, Spencer gave his okay and so they climbed the stairs up to his floor. He could feel Derek close to him, his hand hovering over his back as if he wanted to make sure he wouldn't stumble or trip. It was nice and by now Reid agreed that it could be necessary. Maybe the heat in the car had it made it all the worse, but by now it was hard for him to form a coherent thought, getting distracted by little things, even by the sound of Derek's steps. Spencer rubbed his eyes sleepily as he opened his apartment door, letting Derek in first and followed him. Inside he dropped his coat on the couch and walked over to the kitchen where he found the keys to his car in the little bowl where he kept them.

Returning back into the living room Spencer saw Derek leaning against the couch, looking around with his arms crossed over his chest. He seemed so out of place surrounded by all this old furniture and books and yet Spencer felt it was a quite comforting sight. With a smile he walked up to him, stopping pretty close to Derek for what he blamed the alcohol on. And while his mind was still thinking he had to hand Derek the keys he felt himself leaning closer and closer until he felt his breath hitting Derek's face and as he didn't push him back and Spencer didn't stop he pressed his lips against Derek's. At first only hesitantly and bit clumsy but then Spencer slumped against him, arms wrapped around his neck. In that moment he wasn't sure if he only did it because he was drunk or because he wanted it; probably the one leaded to the other, the alcohol making him brave enough to get what he wanted. Spencer was surprised as he felt Derek returning the kiss and even hugging him back, pressing him impossible closer against his body.

The next thing Spencer really noticed was as they tumbled down on the couch, till then much to dizzy from the feeling Derek's soft lips pressed against his own and his hands he had slipped up his clothes and were now pressed against his bare back. He let the keys drop down to the floor, fingertips caressing Derek's sharp features as their kiss grew hotter and hotter to the point he felt Derek's tongue pushing between his lips, eliciting a little moan from his throat. All his doubts and fears seemed to be gone and as hard as the rational part of his brain wanted to make him stop, there was still something that kept him going.

Short nails scraped over the small of his back, making him press hard against Derek who kissed him in the most heavenly way imaginable. With every passing second and with every passing touch, kiss, sound Spencer was reduced to his primal needs only Derek could understand and fulfil. Cradling his head in his arms, Spencer shifted on top of him, straddling Derek's hips and pressed his own against him, causing Derek to break from the kiss with a little moan. A moan he repeated as Spencer did it again. They were both already hard for each other, Derek's thick cock straining against the denim of his jeans which Spencer could feel as he bucked against him.

"Derek…" Spencer whispered, not able to finish what he was about to say as Derek silenced him with a kiss, meeting every movement of his hips with his own. Spencer's whole body was on fire, skin tingling from thousand little pinpricks caused by every movement and touch from Derek. This, however, wasn't enough. His mind reminded him of how good Derek's bare skin felt, of how his naked body and fitted so perfectly against his own. It was only that memory that made his hands work on their own accord, pushing Derek's shirt up enough to reveal a nipple, fingertip encircling the hardening butt. Spencer could feel the tremors running through Derek's body, swallowing every little sound that came from his throat and still it wasn't enough for Spencer.

Hand trailing down from his chest over his stomach, Spencer tried to undo the button and fly of his pants, but froze as he felt Derek's hand around his wrist.

"Spence, I… this is not a good idea."

Like a deer in the headlight Spencer pulled back and looked down at Derek, completely startled and frighteningly sober for someone whose brain had handed the command of his body to the sweet excuse of the alcohol that was still running through his blood.

Spencer wasn't sure what shocked him more, how willingly he had thrown himself at Derek or the embarrassment of being rejected like this. Getting up, head hung ashamed, Spencer felt as if his knees were too weak to hold him up and he had to brace himself on the backrest of the couch.

"I'm sorry. I…this wasn't… I… you… you should leave." It was probably unfair to throw Derek out, but right now he didn't want to talk and he didn't want to hear any excuse why Derek had stopped him. This just pushed him back into this dark whole of doubts he had thought had left earlier this day. Now he was confronted with a lot o demons he didn't felt strong enough to face in that moment. At least not with Derek around.

"We should talk, Spencer," Derek insisted, sitting up but stayed on the couch. "You have a complete wrong idea why…you were the one…"

Spencer didn't let Derek finishing, looking up with burning eyes, hiding how close he was to crumbling down. The furiousness only showing because of Derek's indignation to leave. "Now."

The hurt expression on Derek's face was obvious and for a second Spencer considered that maybe he had understood him wrong and that he maybe did had a good reason to make him stop; however he felt still to ashamed to talk right now. Averting his eyes the moment Derek got up and walked past him Spencer took a shuddering breath in. Normally Derek was a lot more stubborn than this, but for the moment Spencer was only glad that he did what he had told him and left him. The moment the door clicked shut he realized that there was a good chance that all his insecurities and fears had ruined any chance he still might had had with Derek, that and the inability to have interpersonal communication.


	10. The Hope

Derek's night was restless. Ever since he had left Spencer's apartment, his mind was a tumbling mess. On his way home he even thought about turning back to try talking to Spencer again, but he knew that neither of them were in any state to be rational. Still he couldn't help but feel a bit disappointed. It hadn't been his intention to hurt Spencer or push him back. Thinking of it, he never had felt that turned on by a simple kiss and there had been more to it then just his libido. There was a certain chemistry between them that was undeniable, and while it was one thing to look at it from a professional level and how they clicked in the field, it was something completely different when he looked at it from this point of view. That he was drawn to Spencer was undeniable by then, but this was getting deeper. A lot deeper than he wanted to admit and his doubt had turned into a certainty he now had to face.

He wanted to make it right, not rushing things. No clumsy make out sessions, no sex because they were drunk or tipsy. Derek wanted to make it right, with a first date, and a second one and maybe holding hands afterwards and a good nights kiss at the door step. Why he hadn't been able to say any of it while Spencer was close to him was beyond Derek. Probably because Spencer hadn't given him the chance to explain why he had stopped him, Derek thought. Then again, he didn't want to blame solemnly Spencer for what had happened not even an hour ago. Derek had been the one flirting and eye fucking him at any given chance; Spencer just reacted to it. Derek definitely had to work on the mixed signals he was sending and he wanted to start on the next day.

Sleep hadn't come easily to Derek and as he finally did fell asleep, it was only shortly before his alarm went off. After taking his seven A.M. shower and finishing the rest of his morning routine, he returned to a new message on his phone. Actually Derek had hoped that maybe they had the chance to talk on the car ride to the office, but now, that Spencer had told him he would take the train that chance was blown away. There was no way they could talk at work, mainly because Spencer would move heaven and hell to avoid Derek the moment he saw him, and he got a lot of practice in the last months for that. This time, though, Derek was determined to make this work and talk to Spencer about it. Either way they had to make this work, the one way or the other.

Spencer arrived at the office shortly after Derek, and Derek only saw him because he was talking to Hotch about a case in his office, looking out of the window that had a good view on the bullpen. The moment he laid eye on the thin frame of Spencer, Derek stopped talking, a worried expression on his face as he saw his tired face.

"I actually thought you two had managed to work around whatever was bothering you." Hotch's voice ripped him out of his thoughts, reminding Derek about their conversation they just had. Turning his attention back to him, Derek looked at him with a pained yet desperate expression.

"I'm working on it."

This time it was Hotch looking out the window and down into the bullpen. "Is there anything I can do for you?"

"For now? Don't ask any question; that's all I'm asking." There was a good chance that Hotch would tell Derek that it was his job to ask questions, that he needed to make sure that his team was at top of their game, yet he gave him a short nod. "But only for now, Morgan."

After that Derek hadn't either the time to finish the conversation with Hotch or thinking about how he could get Spencer to talk to him. Hotch's phone rang with JJ on the other end, telling him about a new case they had to take care off. Together, Derek and Hotch left the office and walked straight to the conference room where the others, accept Reid, were already waiting; Spencer followed shortly after and the briefing started.

The case hit a sore subject for Morgan, and everyone knew it the moment the faces of three little boys in the age between five and nine were flashing on the screen. All three boys were found dead after they were abducted, abused and beaten to death. The time frame between the abduction and death was never more than three days and the next boy was already missing. By the time JJ ended Derek could feel eyes on him and he didn't need to check to know it was Spencer looking at him. Yet, as Derek turned to him, he averted his eyes and played with his pen, trying to seem as if he hadn't watched him throughout the briefing.

As they got up to get their go-bags, Derek caught up to him. "If you try to profile me then you can talk to me as well," Derek said voice low and calm; much calmer as he actually felt.

"I do talk to you. If it's because I took the train instead…"

"This is about you throwing me out last night and…"

"We're not going there. Not yet." Spencer had stopped abruptly, stepping right in Derek's way and gave him a stern look. One Derek hadn't seen too often on him and it shut him up right away.

From then on all of them focused on solving the case as soon as possible. The whole police station was already operating at full stretch as they arrived; it didn't give Derek the time to think about anything else, but finding the boy and hoping he was still alive. With every hour the atmosphere was getting heavier and the air thicker, the tension nearly palpable. A little mob of concerned citizens, urging the officers on to work harder, in front of the station didn't make the work any easier. Derek felt as if his head was close to exploding as he looked at the board with the characteristics and the possible suspects, waiting for anything to click. Every time Derek felt as if he was getting closer to the final puzzle piece, his mind went suddenly a blank.

"Maybe we need a break," Spencer's voice ripped him from his thoughts, and although Derek knew it wasn't Spencer's fault, he glared at him for a second before he put his focus back on the words on the board.

"That boy has no time for a break."

"But we won't be able to help anybody if we don't rest."

Heaving a sigh, rubbing his neck exhausted, Derek tried to relax for a moment. "I can't sit down and rest when I know that this son of a bitch is still out there and does God-knows-what with that child."

"It won't get better if you…"

"Stop, Reid. I know what you want to say, so just stop it." Despite their current situation Reid was only looking out for him, Derek reminded himself. Just this tiny gesture, as small and maybe meaningless as it was, put Derek more at ease as he could tell.

Taking another deep breath through his nose, Derek finally nodded, causing a puzzled frown on Spencer's face.

"You're right. You're probably right. I'll lie down for a bit." The detective had offered his office for them to take naps if necessary seeing there was too much pressure on all of them to switch between police station and hotel back and forth. As if he was carrying a huge weight on his shoulders, Derek got up, rubbing his neck. "But Reid, the moment you have a trace…"

"We'll get you." Derek believed Reid as he looked him straight in the eye. It was the first time since the night before Reid returned the gesture, not blinking, not flinching. Derek even imagined seeing him smiling, and he could feel something inside him stirring. He wanted to badly to discuss what had happened, but this wasn't the right time or place, no matter how positive this moment seemed to Derek.

With a final nod Derek managed to turn away and left the room. The tension was pulling him down, and he knew all he would see the moment he close his eyes was the whiteboard with their profile written on it, the pictures of the missing boy and the names of the suspects. He didn't even turn the light on as he stepped into the office; the light that peered through the blinds was enough for him to see what he needed. With a groan he flopped down on the couch, not even bothering reaching for the blanket that was lying folded on the armrest. Derek closed his eyes, knowing the door could be ripped open and he had to be completely focused on saving that little boys life. He had no doubt Reid would find out soon where they had to go. It was always Reid who found the final clue. With this thought he could sooth his troubled mind enough to slip into a light slumber.

That was what he thought it was. The next time, though, he opened his eyes, he heard loud commotion, someone screaming, Hotch's voice somewhere in between bellowing orders. It was time, Derek thought, already up and on his way out. But if he had expected to see people getting ready to catch the suspect, he was thoroughly mistaken.

Two officers were pushing a tall handcuffed guy towards the cells who was struggling, yelling words in a language Derek couldn't understand, but what caught Derek's attention was the blood. On his face, hands, clothes. It was everywhere. A second later Rossi, followed by Prentiss and JJ came in, all of them looking pale and Derek didn't have to ask what had happened, if this was their suspect. And he didn't have to know what had happened to the little boy. Reid was the last one coming inside. Derek could see blood on his vest; it was smeared over the three letters and his shirt. Suddenly, Reid looked up, their eyes locking and Reid didn't have to explain anything. It was written all over his face. Still, Derek was angry. It had been his decision, his right to chose if he felt able doing his job or not. Without a second thought he headed over to where Hotch was talking to the detective.

"Not now, Morgan."

Derek hadn't even opened his mouth, which made him even angrier. "Hotch, we have to talk."

"I said, not now." As Hotch turned to Derek, he saw the hurt inside his eyes, the pain. Hotch probably thought about his son, Jack, and Derek could only imagine what he had seen that caused this lost look in his eyes.

"Morgan?" Reid's voice was soft, apologetically and still Derek wasn't sure if he could talk to him now. He could feel him standing behind him, hadn't even heard him stepping up to them, and while the detective looked from Hotch to Derek and then back to Hotch, Derek knew this wasn't the right time or place to discuss this matter. Without another word, without looking at Reid, he turned around and headed out of the police station. There was no doubt he wouldn't stay alone for long and only seconds after the door had closed in behind him, he heard it opening again. Reid.

"Morgan, wait. Derek."

"You had no right." Derek had stopped too quickly for Reid who bumped into him, looking startled and worried about the heated tone Derek was talking to him. "If Hotch had thought I couldn't do this he would have left me back in Quantico. He didn't. It was not your place…"

"I had no other choice!" Reid returned loudly. His cheeks were flushed and eyes sparkling as he searched his gaze. "I had no choice. And I know you would have done the same for me."

"Then tell me why you didn't have another choice. I'm really interested what you think I wasn't able to do." This was running deep, far too many things were coming together in this one moment and he was outraged about the helplessness he was feeling, something Derek hadn't felt for years. There had been a reason why he never had told anyone about what had happened to him, always scared of people watching him, doubting his judgment. Just like it was happening now.

Reid's chest was rapidly moving; Derek could tell he was just as upset as Derek was, but Reid's anger wasn't at him. Not from what Derek could tell. "Did you ever have the feeling a case won't end well? That, no matter what you do, what you try and what you're capable off, you can't win?"

There was no need to answer this question. Every one of them had been in this situation, the feelings running high, especially when everyone and everything was against them.

"I knew we wouldn't make it in time. After you lay down…I-I-I just found what I felt had been wrong all along, all of our hints and suspects, it didn't feel right. And then I knew it and I knew we wouldn't make it." Here Reid looked down, brow furrowing as if he was searching for the right words. "I think I know where you're in your mind most of the time since that night. That it cause you to think a lot about…about what had happened to you. I didn't want to see you…I…"

"What, Reid?"

"I wanted to protect you, like you had protected me. As I thought my father had killed this boy, that night as I was screaming your name and you had been there all the time…the virus, everything. I wanted to give you something back."

It was the last thing Derek had expected although it was so obvious. Reid just had said it. They had been there for each other all the time, no matter what. They never had doubt the other. As Reid had decided to leave Derek behind, it didn't happen because he thought he wasn't able to do his job. All Reid was worried about was Derek and his well-being. Speechless, mouth parted in a weak attempt to find something to say, they stood on the sidewalk of the police station. People were passing them, the wind was ruffling Reid's hair and Derek shivered as it tore on his clothes, but nothing of it happened and Derek didn't even notice it. In this one second everything seemed so crystal clear, as if he had every answer to every question on his mind and he wanted so badly to tell Reid he understood. But he didn't. Once again Derek found himself too worried and cowardly to take what he truly wanted, always had wanted. Seconds ticked by and the moment was broken by the door being pushed open and Rossi calling for them.

"Morgan. Reid. We're ready to leave."

If Rossi had been aware of him interrupting something important, he didn't let it show. Instead he waited for them to come back inside where they were already packing their things to return to Quantico. It all happened in silence. Neither of them wanted to talk and Derek didn't want to ask questions either, knowing he could read what had happened in detail as soon as they had finished their reports.

The silence was good for Derek, it have him time to think. About what had happened on this day, about Reid's words, about what had happened in the last months. Derek's priorities had changed, gradually and it had taken him time to figure out what was going on, what was good for him, and most importantly, what he wanted. After this one moment in front of the police station it was all there and he knew he wanted to give him and Reid a try. He wanted to figure out if he could overcome his fears and he knew Reid would be patient with him. Derek didn't have to be perfect, which was the main reason for him to hold back and thinking over every move and thought and word for the past weeks. He remembered the conversation with his mother, he remembered what Penelope told him and Reid's words were all coming back to him at once, and he just wanted to make this right. But not in the car or the plane.

Back in the bullpen, though, Derek wanted to let Reid know he had made a decision and that they needed to talk. All of them were exhausted to the point Hotch told them they could write the reports the next morning and just go back home. A huge sigh of relief filled the otherwise empty office, all of them just too depressed and sad to think about anything else. For a second Derek was wondering if this was the right moment, but he knew otherwise he would lose the courage he built up.

"Spencer." He stepped next to Reid who was sitting on his desk, sorting his files before going home. As it seemed he hadn't expected for Derek to come talking to him, or maybe it was the unusual way Derek addressed him. Either way, his head snapped up, some strands of hair falling in his eyes.

Whatever Derek had thought would happen, if Reid could read his mind and knew what he wanted to say was important, it wasn't that easy. After this one moment Reid looked back at his files, shaking his head.

"I'm tired, Morgan. We'd a long day and we all should go get some sleep." He stuffed some files into his satchel as he got up and reached for the desk lamp to turn it off. The others were still around, and Derek hoped they could keep this private. However, he knew the second Reid would leave he wouldn't find the words again.

"Just a minute, Spencer. I…I wanted to say, well, thanks. And…"

Reid didn't let him finish, just stepping around him and making his way towards the door. And before Derek knew what he was doing, he called at him, "I love you."

The bullpen felt silent and Derek could feel all eyes on him. His face was heating up and he didn't dare to look at someone else, his eyes focusing on Reid's back who had stopped dead in his tracks the second those three words had left his lips. Just from the corner of his eyes did Derek notice how Hotch tilted his head and all of them left. Where they were going, Derek had no idea; all that mattered was for them to be alone.

Reid, though, stayed still, his shoulders seemed tense and Derek wasn't sure what to expect if he would continue speaking. But he did, taking a deep breath in before he continued. "That is why I stopped what was going on the other night. I didn't want to come across as some guy just wanting to get off. You mean something to me, Reid. Spencer. And yes, I was stupid to leave you hanging for so long. But I never wanted to hurt you or me. Or anyone else. I wanted to make this right."

Again Reid didn't move and slowly Derek was losing all hope, expecting him to head out of the office any second. He took a careful step towards Reid, watching his every movement, the way he held his head and the long line of his neck. "You were right; we had been there for each other all the time. What had happened as I was drunk…I would have been far too cowardly to do it while being sober because it would have meant to face my past and my feelings and…"

Relieved Derek noticed how Reid turned around, a soft and yet shy smile on his lips. His eyes telling him, it was okay, that he didn't have to worry about it. "I know. I knew all along. All I needed was to hear it from you."

Silence. But this silence was a good one, promising. "So…" Derek started, still not sure to really feel confident about this, about them. Not sure if he wouldn't screw Reid over, disappointing him.

"So, if you stop worrying and invite me for a cup of coffee…I think we could call it a first…date? Maybe?"

All the tension was leaving Derek's body and he allowed himself close his eyes and tilting his head back, deciding things would evolve on their own from then on. "Sounds good," he finally dared saying, opening his eyes to see Reid still in front of him smiling. All the time he was worried any kind of word or movement would chase him away, but even as Derek reached for his jacket and bag, Reid was still waiting for him.

He wasn't the only one watching Derek and as he looked up to Hotch's office he saw him, Prentiss, JJ and Rossi both looking down on them, all carrying a smile on their face. It gave him hope and the confidence to know there were always people supporting them.

**\- The End**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My dear friends, this is the end. I do hope the people who read and didn't review enjoyed it; to the people who left kudos: thank you so very much; to the people who even took the time to review: you inspired me enough to start working on a new story. Right now I'm a bit more busy as I thought I would be so it takes time to finish the first chapter, but I swear you will see more from me and I hope you will stay around and maybe leave a kudo or comment here and there ;)


End file.
